I Got Nothin'

Like my sister Courtney said, after a while you run out of words for random.

I don't know why I've hit such writers block lately, but I just don't have a whole lot going on right now. So I'm stuck doing another "random" post.

I touched on this subject a little bit in my previous post, but I've had a really bad week where this subject is concerned and I just need to get a few things off my chest. I can't believe I'm about to be this honest or vulnerable, but it's just driving me up a wall right now. I am fed. up. with. my. body. I realize I could always try harder, but I feel like I'm trying pretty darn hard to improve my body right now. I know I said I'm not a good dieter, but by no means am I sitting around eating fast food and junk food. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, whole grains, and I try to keep my dairy to a minimum. I do let myself have dessert from time to time (maybe I need to cut that out), and I rarely eat red meat. Plus, I really am exercising on a regular basis. So why am I not thinner? I feel like I would have to eat nothing but celery and drink water to be smaller at this point.

Where is this coming from? A few bad comments from my nieces on both sides of the family (they're only 3 and 5 years old and they don't know any better), and a bad shopping trip today. Does anyone else get depressed when shopping for clothes? For the record, I don't hold anything against my nieces. It's like they say, "kids are honest". I guess this will always be an ongoing struggle for me. I. will. not. give. up! I'm sorry about the venting. Again, I just needed to get it off my chest. Whew! I feel better now. I can move on.

Onto a more positive subject, Elliana continues to make us laugh. We always say that she is the BEST thing that has ever happened to us. Last night we were eating dinner with Caleb's parents and carrying on in conversation. Ellie was trying to get our attention and inform us that she was "all done". I honestly did hear her the first time, but just kept talking. As we kept talking, Ellie just got louder and louder saying "all done" over and over. Finally, when she realized she wasn't getting through to us, she screamed "ALL DONE"!! Loud enough for all of us to stop mid-conversation, and just laugh. Maybe you had to be there, but it was SO funny!

I'm finished with work, for now. As I was leaving last week, I checked in with my boss and she said she might ask me to come back and train again in a few weeks since she's expecting another new employee. The experience/job has been perfect really. They've been really flexible with me in terms of hours, and I was only putting in about 10 hours a week. Sounds like I may be asked to come in and train on a regular basis. This could be a great/ perfect fit and answer to prayer. I'll only work for about a month and then get a month or so off. God is so good.

Elliana and I had a wonderful day. The weather has been gorgeous lately, and I plan on taking full advantage of it. Today Elliana and I went on a very long walk and spent a long time at the park. She actually went down the slide by herself for the first time today. Somehow she got twisted around and ended up head first, but when she reached the bottom of the slide she smiled and said "more"!

We don't have a lot going on this week and I couldn't be more happy about that. Our last month has been crazy busy, to the point that Caleb and I have become desperate for a night at home. Sounds like this will be the week that we get some R&R.

Once again, I'm mad at myself for not taking more pictures. I've been really bad at taking the camera with me. I'm going to work on this. Hopefully I'll have lots of pictures to show on my next post.

Since I don't have any pictures of my own to share, I stole these from facebook to share on here. Ha!

This picture was taken about 9 months ago. I can't believe how much Elliana has changed in that short time.



This was taken of our family on Easter. It's now one of my favorites.

In His Hands

I have a lot on my mind right now.

I keep reminding myself that each circumstance is in God's hands, and I just need to trust in him.

First of all, I just got word that sweet Layla Grace went home to be with the Lord this morning. She is literally in his hands now. If you have not heard about this heart wrenching story, please click on the link. I have not been able to get her off of my mind since I found out about her story.

One week from today I will be saying goodbye to Caleb for 8 days. He will be going on a mission trip with the seniors from his school to Belize. While I know this is an awesome opportunity to be used by God in many ways, I also (selfishly) hate the idea of being apart from Caleb that long. I also hate to admit it, but I'm a worrier.



I'll be spending several nights at my parent's house while Caleb is gone. It's like my sister Courtney once said, this is what all grown, adult women do when their husbands are away. Ha ha!

Seriously though, I realize Elliana is great company, but I'll also need some adult company while Caleb is gone. Plus, I just don't think I can hack it as a single Mom. Ha!



I'm really going to miss Caleb and I'll be praying for safety for the whole group and that God will use all of them in a big way.



Another huge thing on my mind right now, is a phone call that I received from my former boss this morning. I am very flattered by the great offer that she gave me and I just don't know what to do.

When I quit work back in August, I really felt that was God's leading and a huge answer to prayer. I quit for many reasons, but the main one was to spend more time with Elliana. We knew that we would be tight financially but that God would provide. And he has provided, in so many ways.

However, this morning my former boss called and said she really wanted me back. I instantly turned down the opportunity to come back working the same hours I was working before. I was working 24+ hours per week when I left, and I felt that was too much time away from Elliana. Then she said that where she missed me the most, and really needed me, was in training new employees, both on the computer system and just in general. She offered to pay me really well to just come in a couple hours, a few days per week to train people. I would only have to be away from Ellie 6-10 hours per week. I told her that was an offer that I would seriously consider. After all, even though God has provided for our every need, it would be nice to have some extra money for fun and for savings.

If I accept, I wouldn't feel at all like I am missing out on any milestones or like I am spending too much time away from Ellie. The only catch is, I don't know who would watch Ellie for 6-10 hours per week. So, there you have it. An awesome opportunity and I really don't know what to do. Again, I'm praying and trusting that God will lead me to the right decision.

Another circumstance that has been on my mind and heart a lot is this whole trying to get pregnant again thing. This has been my first month back on clomid and although it's too soon to know for sure, it doesn't appear as though it worked this month. I know that it takes several months for even fertile couples to get pregnant, and that I need to be patient. However, if the clomid doesn't work, then I don't ovulate. And if I don't ovulate, then we have no chance of getting pregnant (sigh).

Like everything else in this post, it's all in God's hands and I need to trust in his plan and in his timing. For everything.

Proverbs 3:5 and 6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am so thankful that we serve a God that cares about all of the details of our lives, big and small.

A Little Good News (Hopefully)

As stated in my previous post, things have been rough lately for our family and many others.

I thought it was time to talk about something positive... like babies. What's not to love about babies?



I had my long awaited appointment today. The one where I told my Dr. that Caleb and I are more than ready for another little one. I don't know why, but I half expected to argue and plead with her on why I needed to be more aggressive this time, and get started on the same medications and fertility drugs asap.

Luckily, she was very much on the same page as me and she encouraged me to be aggressive. She said "Christine, we know what works for you so if you're sure you're ready, let's get started". I almost jumped out of my seat.

So after my yearly physical and a long conversation, I drove away with a smile on my face and several prescriptions in my hand.

As I drove away, it set in. I had forgotten how much it took and the many medications I was on (metformin, clomid, baby aspirin, pre-natal vitamins) to help me not only get pregnant, but to keep the baby. I used to joke to Caleb that I felt like an old lady with all of the meds that I had to keep track of.



I always told myself that I would never forget the journey we've been on and what a miracle Elliana was and is, and yet somehow, I've already taken that for granted. Now that I've carried and had a healthy child, I assume it will happen again. Just like that.

So here I am, staring at these prescriptions and I can't believe I'm ready to do all of this all over again. The medications (that honestly make me sick sometimes), the prayers, every month hoping for a "yes".

I just have to remind myself that every baby is a miracle, and a gift from God, and only he can give us the desires of our hearts.



So here's to trying again and praying that I'll be looking like this again soon. ;)

A Tough Season

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to uproot,

A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and a time to build,

A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance". Ecclesiastes 3:1-4



This was the bible verse that I clung to with all my life after our miscarriage.

It meant so much to me because I knew that even though Caleb and I were going through a time of weeping and mourning, that this time would pass and we would be singing and praising God again.

There's a lot going on right now that has kicked 2010 off to a very difficult and painful start.

As I write, my Mom and Aunt are in Arizona with my Uncle who is battling several cancers. It's not looking good, and the Dr's aren't giving him very much time.

This morning I got a shocking call from my Dad. Pastor Ed, the pastor of the church I grew up in, passed away this morning from a heart attack. He was my Dad's age, and his death was totally unexpected. I know many people (including myself and my family) are mourning his loss.

The list of difficult times includes loved ones searching for jobs and/or questioning the future of their jobs, marriages in trouble, financial problems in general,etc. I don't feel it's my place to share the details of these circumstances.

Why am I writing all of this? Not to be depressing, or to give the impression that there's no hope. Quite the opposite actually. I believe God's word and I believe that he is always with us. Even more so in times like this. I believe that he is carrying all of us through each of these circumstances. Please understand that I'm not making light of any of these situations, I just know that God promises that he loves us, that he's with us, and that he has a plan for us.

I believe that this may be a really hard year, but I know that God will be with us and that some day, I'll be able to look back at this time, and it will make the dancing and the singing mean so much more.



"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted". Matthew 5:4

I Made It!

SO, the day that I never thought would come is finally here! When I put in my notice 6 weeks ago, I was told that September would be the longest month of my life- and it was!

Wednesday was my last day at work and I found myself feeling very nostalgic and I was a little teary. After all, I literally grew up at that job. When I started I was single, 19 years old, and living with roommates. That job saw me through dating Caleb, getting engaged, getting married, the struggle of my infertility and miscarriage, my pregnancy, and finally, having Elliana and becoming a Mom. The last year or two wasn't the greatest of my years at work, but I do have many good memories and I had many good years while working there.

I wrote a farewell email and sent it out to the entire office thanking them for the years and the memories. I couldn't believe how sad I was to write it. I got many very nice cards and emails in return. Tonight they are having a goodbye dinner for me and I'm really looking forward to it.

So now here I am, a full time stay at home Mom. It's what I've always wanted and I am SOOOO excited! I don't know yet what my daily, or even weekly routine is going to look like. All I know is, I don't have to worry about struggling to get Ellie and myself ready to get to work on time, or what to do if Elliana is sick, or how I'm going to make it through the day when Ellie was up all night, or pleading to have time off for Holidays, or missing out on any of Elliana's milestones, etc. I have a lot to figure out still but I know I'm going to like this. :)



Here is a video of Elliana that I took last week. She is getting around so quickly these days. I'm sure a lot of my time will be spent chasing her around. :)



Sorry, the video's not the greatest. The lighting isn't good and there's some background noise (that's the dryer).

A Dream Come True

"You are not responsible for the How". -Beth Moore

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just knew God was speaking directly to you through a pastor or speaker? I had one of those moments just a few weeks ago during our bible study. Let me give you some background.

I've always wanted to have children, and praise God, after a long struggle, God made that dream come true. I always had another dream that went hand in hand with having children. I always wanted to be a full-time stay at home Mom once children came into the picture.

From the very beginning, before Elliana was ever conceived, Caleb and I had many discussions as to if we could afford living on his budget alone. A few years ago we sat down and put together a budget. At the time we discovered that these three things could not happen together: we could not own a home, I could not even work PART-TIME, and he could cot continue teaching at the school he loves. At the time I wasn't even pregnant. So, we prayed about it and decided we would revisit the budget later on.

Last spring (2008) we decided we were ready to buy a home. That was around the same time that I found out I was pregnant. We looked at the budget again and discovered that we could afford to buy a home and that Caleb could continue teaching where he wanted to. However, we still could not afford for me to be home full time. We were encouraged to see at this time that I could work part time though. I was a little disappointed but thankful that if I had to work it would only be part time.

So, we found a home within our budget and moved in last fall. Elliana was born in December and I was on maternity leave for 3 months. I loved those 3 months. Yes, Elliana was a very challenging infant. She cried all the time and almost never let me put her down. Still, I cherished every day I had with her and dreaded going back to work. I cried and cried the night before I returned to work in March.

The day to return came and went and I found myself getting used to the new routine of working part time. Everything was working out well until the first week of June came. My boss pulled me into her office and explained to me that my schedule of working Monday through Wednesday was not working for her or for the office anymore. I explained to her that I was not trying to be difficult, but I simply could not work Wednesday through Friday. It was a daycare issue for us and nobody was available to watch Elliana Wed through Friday. So, she offered for me to work in a new position. Again we prayed and decided it was our only choice since we still could not afford for me to be home full time.

I started the new position in July and soon discovered that I didn't care for it very much. Okay, actually I really did not like it at all. Somedays I was so stressed out. Still, I pressed on knowing this is what I needed to do to help make ends meet. All the time I was praying for God to rescue me. Either help me find another job or provide a way for me to be home full time. Some nights I would be up most of the night thinking about how this would all work out. I became more and more stressed because I wanted so badly to either find a new job, or find a way to work from home, or just get to be home full time.

Then, one saturday morning in our Esther bible study, Beth Moore said the words "you are not responsible for the how". She was explaining how God always has it worked out already and he works in ways that are unexpected. Of course she was referring to Esther's situation, but I felt like God was speaking directly to me and I felt a sense of relief come over me. I realized at that moment that I didn't need to stress about the situation. It was in God's hands and he's never failed me before. It would all work out one way or another.

Less than two weeks later Caleb called me at work and said "Christine, I have great news"! He went on to explain that his school had just gotten new health insurance and we could afford to put the whole family under his new insurance and save hundreds of dollars a month. (before we were going to have to spend about $600 a month for health insurance for the 3 of us)Finally! We could afford (almost) for me to be home full time! There is still a very small gap in our budget between what we need and what we have. However, the gap is growing smaller all the time. We have been saving for so many years that we are very comfortable using our savings accounts to get by for a long time (several years). I am confident that we will be fine and that God will provide one way or another. Who knows, in a matter of time, there may be no gap left at all.

I notified my boss this week that I will be quiting. The conversation went well and I told her I would stay as long as she needed me to (within reason of course). She asked me to stay 6 weeks and I agreed. My last week will be the last week of September. As excited as I am, leaving my job feels like leaving a major part of my life. I have been working at my job for 8 years. I was only 19 years old when I started working there. I was so young and single and living with room mates. I have literally grown up while working there. I will miss so many people but I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life. I still can't believe that God opened this door. Someone pinch me.

On a side note, here are some pictures of Elliana and her new favorite "toy", the laundry basket:







P.S. Ellie started saying "Mama" this week. I doubt that she knows that word is my name and relation to her, but I like to think that she does. :)