Feeling Emotional

Maybe it's the hormones that I'm on. Who knows...

Somehow I find myself feeling emotional this week. Especially about the "trying to get pregnant again" issue. It's so funny, I have a million reasons in my head for why it's really okay that I haven't gotten pregnant yet, but my heart isn't listening to my head right now.

Truth be told, I really was okay that I wasn't pregnant yet. After all I have all of the following reasons for why it's okay; I didn't want another December baby, we have a family reunion at the end of December/ early January that I don't want to miss, it's only been a few months of really trying with the fertility meds, I would rather not be pregnant on our cruise, I'd like to lose some weight before getting pregnant again, etc. etc. etc.

So why am I suddenly feeling sad? Maybe it's because my baby fever is only going to get worse with the two new nephews or nieces I'll be meeting and holding this year (my sister-in-law is due this month and my sister is due in November). Or maybe it's because it feels as though Elliana is growing up so quickly these days, and I fear she's going to be too old to be close to her next sibling. Or maybe I'm beginning to believe that it's not going to happen again, that Elliana truly is our one miracle baby, and we won't have any more children.

It's so weird, I can really sense that emotionally I'm beginning to go to the same place that I was before I had Elliana. I always told myself that no matter what happened, I should just be thankful for Ellie. After all, she is a gift that God has given us. I AM SO thankful for her, but my desire to have another child is growing by the day.

Whatever the reason for my heart struggling right now, I can sense that God is drawing me near to him. My walk with him has been a little stagnant lately and I don't like that. My hope and prayer is that I will use these emotions and fears and I will go to him. My head knows that he is always faithful and loving and that he has a plan for me, for Caleb and for Elliana. My heart just needs to catch up.

I realize this picture is completely unrelated to this subject, but I felt this post was incomplete without a picture of Elliana. :) I took this picture this afternoon. I just love the expression on Ellie's face.