I've Been Here Before

I really debated whether or not I should put this on the blog. I know some people may shake their heads at me for sharing about this, but I've never understood why this subject is so "hush-hush". I reminded myself that I started this blog for me, for our family. It's like a journal to me in a way. So if you don't agree with me sharing about this, please understand that I'm putting this on here for me to process through writing (typing).

Let me start at the beginning. We've been trying for months, with the help of fertility drugs to get pregnant with baby #2. Last Saturday I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I took another one the next day, positive. Instantly I started dreaming about baby #2, what he/she would look like, how I couldn't wait to do the "pregnant thing" again, how I couldn't wait to have a newborn again, how we would adjust, what kind of sister Elliana would be, the changes we needed to make in our house, etc. The timing was perfect. This was the month that I REALLY wanted to get pregnant all along. I kept thinking, God is so good!

By Wednesday I had 3 positive pregnancy tests. Each one darker than the one before. It was official, I was pregnant! Elliana had her 18 month well child check and we see the same Dr., so I decided I would talk to the Dr. about the pregnancy during Ellie's appointment. Due to my history, the Dr. offered to do blood work to make sure everything was developing well. I quickly agreed because it was so reassuring to see how things were progressing with Elliana through blood work.

After doing a pregnancy test in the office, a nurse came in and said "well, the test came back positive but it was very weak". This was the same nurse that used those exact same words before I had a miscarriage years ago. They proceeded to draw my blood and said they would call sometime that afternoon. Instantly fear set in. I told myself I was just psyching myself out and I went home to wait for the results.

That afternoon I got a call from the nurse. "Well, your HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are very low, but we want you to come in on Friday to do blood work again". I got off the phone and sobbed. I suddenly realized that the pregnancy symptoms I had been experiencing days before, were no longer there. Then I called Caleb, my mom, and sisters. They all tried to be positive and reassure me. They reminded me it was still very early in the pregnancy and that my hormone levels were probably just reflecting that. Everyone told me not to worry until I got Friday's results.

I spent the next two days crying, praying and reading God's word. I kept praying that God would give me peace, no matter the outcome. I kept hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong, because my gut told me that I was losing this baby.

Finally, Friday morning came. I went in right away to get my blood drawn. When your pregnant, your HCG levels are supposed to double every 24-48 hours. All morning I anxiously awaited the results. Around lunch time the Dr. called. Bad news. Not only did my HCG levels not double, they plummeted. She confirmed what I already knew, I was having another miscarriage. Now I just had to wait for my body to do what it was supposed to, and that was just as hard as the news. Sure enough, yesterday I started bleeding.

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy or look for attention, again this is therapeutic for me. As hard as it was to go through this again, and as much as I do want another child, God did answer my prayers. He prepared me this time around and he definitely gave me a peace about it. I really sensed his presence and I know I'm going to be okay. I still believe he is good, and I still trust his plan for me and for our family. I think he was trying to get my attention so I would draw even closer to him again. It worked!

Caleb and I look at Elliana a little differently now. We hold her a little closer. We understand even more what a miracle she is. She is the BEST gift that God has ever given us. We still hope and pray that God will give us another child, in his timing. If not, we'll always remember God faithfulness and goodness to us by giving us Ellie. After all, we chose the name Elliana as a reminder of God's faithfulness.

Elliana- "The Lord has answered our prayers".

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Gettin' Some Good Practice In

I've been really open about trying to get pregnant with baby #2. As time has gone on I've had to ask myself some really hard questions over and over, like, Can I really handle two kids? How do you balance life with two kids? What if they're both very needy at the same time? I love Elliana more than I ever thought possible, will I really love the next one as much?

Even though I don't have answers to these questions, seeing as how I don't have two kids yet, I feel as though I've gotten some really good practice in over the last few weeks.

I've agreed to watch my friend's 1 year old son on Mondays for the summer. I'll be honest, the first Monday did NOT go well. I think he was just upset because he wasn't familiar with me or our house. Let's just say that most of the day was spent with him crying, me holding him so he wouldn't cry, and Elliana crying just because she was jealous that I was holding him so much. That day left me a little scared. I thought to myself "maybe it's best that I don't have another baby for a while". However, today is the 2nd Monday and it has been much, much better. I actually got him and Elliana down for a nap at the same time! Go me!



I'm also watching my niece and nephew for 1.5 days while my sister is on vacation. My first day watching Devyn and Hudson was last thursday. Aside from the huge mess that was left, the day went pretty smooth in my opinion. I took Devyn, Hudson AND Elliana swimming at the free lake by our house. I even packed everything we needed, snacks, towels, diapers, swim diapers, sunblock, etc. That's right, I did it all with THREE kids! Again, so proud of myself. ;) Ha! I guess we'll have to see how tomorrow goes.



In all seriousness though, I've learned that I don't have to be so overwhelmed at the idea of two kids. God gives me the strength, the energy, and the patience when I need it. No, life won't be as easy as it's been with just one child, but I'm sure I'll manage (with God's help... and Caleb's help too). I can't remember life before Ellie, and I now know how empty my life would be without her. I'm sure I'll feel the same way about the next child, whenever that may be.

Default Post

I've been a little absent from my blog lately (oops). I guess that's because I haven't had anything huge to blog about. I was looking over some of my past posts and I discovered that random posts have become my default. So, here's another random one. Sorry.

Exactly 2 weeks from today we leave for our 5th Anniversary cruise! WOO HOO! Again, as much as I'm looking forward to this, I am sad about leaving Elliana for 5 days. At least she'll be with people she loves and knows well. I'm so thankful that Elliana has such amazing grandparents on both sides of the family, and that they live so close. I know Ellie will feel right at home.



Um yeah... I think this looks like fun.



I had forgotten how much I drive myself absolutely crazy when I'm trying to get pregnant. I get to this place where I convince myself that I'm pregnant. I look for all of the signs, and I even begin to experience symptoms (psychosomatic anyone?). I was 95% sure that I was pregnant last month. I wasn't. I'm okay though, because as much as I want to be pregnant, I don't think it would've been very much fun to be in your first trimester on a cruise. I can tell though that every month from here on out is getting emotionally harder for me.

Yes, I watched the Bachelorette this week. I'm not sure what I will think of this season. If this season disappoints me as much as last season, I may just have to be done with the show (probably not). ;) I'm just curious, for any of you that watch the show, do you like Ali? I'm not sure what to think of her. Although I do have to admit that she is beautiful.



I watched the American Idol finale tonight. I was happy to see Lee win, I wanted him to win for the last several weeks. However, we're way past due for a female winner. I actually cried when all of the former Idols sang the farewell song for Simon. Yes, I realize this makes me a huge dork! American Idol just isn't going to be the same without Simon. Between losing Simon, and not being too thrilled with this last season, I really don't know if I'll be interested in watching next year.

In this post, I mentioned that Elliana was beginning to show signs of having a girly side. Ha! Let me just say that her girly side has erupted like a volcano! In the last two weeks Ellie has taken anything that has a strap on it, and carried it around on her shoulder like a purse. She's also spent hours taking her necklaces on and off, and she just LOVES when we put bows in her hair. Just this afternoon Ellie kept handing Caleb bows to put in her hair. Take a look at the proof:







Oh, this girl cracks me up. Even though she's quite girly, she definitely has a tomboy side too. I always thought that when she hung out with her cousins (my sister's kids), that she would spend time with Devyn or Reagan, her girl cousins. Instead, she spends her time with Hudson. They chase each other around and giggle the whole time. I guess she wants to keep me guessing.

We have a very busy Memorial Day weekend coming up. We're celebrating Caleb's 28th birthday, helping with/ going to my brother-in-law's College graduation reception (he lives out of state and he's in town to have a reception for all of his Colorado friends and family), visiting with a friend that I haven't seen in years (she's in town for a wedding), and we're possibly going to the family cabin. Although it's going to be crazy, it should be a lot of fun. I hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend too.

Feeling Emotional

Maybe it's the hormones that I'm on. Who knows...

Somehow I find myself feeling emotional this week. Especially about the "trying to get pregnant again" issue. It's so funny, I have a million reasons in my head for why it's really okay that I haven't gotten pregnant yet, but my heart isn't listening to my head right now.

Truth be told, I really was okay that I wasn't pregnant yet. After all I have all of the following reasons for why it's okay; I didn't want another December baby, we have a family reunion at the end of December/ early January that I don't want to miss, it's only been a few months of really trying with the fertility meds, I would rather not be pregnant on our cruise, I'd like to lose some weight before getting pregnant again, etc. etc. etc.

So why am I suddenly feeling sad? Maybe it's because my baby fever is only going to get worse with the two new nephews or nieces I'll be meeting and holding this year (my sister-in-law is due this month and my sister is due in November). Or maybe it's because it feels as though Elliana is growing up so quickly these days, and I fear she's going to be too old to be close to her next sibling. Or maybe I'm beginning to believe that it's not going to happen again, that Elliana truly is our one miracle baby, and we won't have any more children.

It's so weird, I can really sense that emotionally I'm beginning to go to the same place that I was before I had Elliana. I always told myself that no matter what happened, I should just be thankful for Ellie. After all, she is a gift that God has given us. I AM SO thankful for her, but my desire to have another child is growing by the day.

Whatever the reason for my heart struggling right now, I can sense that God is drawing me near to him. My walk with him has been a little stagnant lately and I don't like that. My hope and prayer is that I will use these emotions and fears and I will go to him. My head knows that he is always faithful and loving and that he has a plan for me, for Caleb and for Elliana. My heart just needs to catch up.

I realize this picture is completely unrelated to this subject, but I felt this post was incomplete without a picture of Elliana. :) I took this picture this afternoon. I just love the expression on Ellie's face.