Becoming "Mom"

Exactly 1 year ago, after two emotionally grueling weeks of trying to be "Mom" to my 2 year old Ethan and 4 year old Elliana, and at the same time be everything to our 2 week old preterm Emsley, we finally got the pass to bring Em home from the NICU and begin life as a family of five.

This summer has made me do a lot of reflecting on this past year and it's effects on me and our family as a whole.

This past year was my toughest in this journey of motherhood and it changed me for the better.

To begin with, any time you introduce a new child to the family it changes the dynamics and is a tough transition on everyone. Not to mention with each new child a mom learns who each little person is, and what makes them tick. As if that's not enough she has to learn what it's like to now juggle 2, 3 or however many children are in the family. I knew the transition from 2 to 3 would not be easy considering my transition from 1 to 2 was not an easy one.

But, on top of all of that, I was dealing with a preterm baby. One that had a rough beginning. I thought so many times that it would only get easier once we passed each challenge. Challenges such as Emsley being in the NICU, then bringing her home on oxygen, then trying to nurse while toting my oldest to preschool, waiting for her to reach each milestone of sitting, crawling, etc. I did not prepare myself for the challenge of how often she would get sick this year, or how every time she got sick we would need to give her breathing treatments via the nebulizer because her lungs were so weak and sick. Not to mention the cost of all of the Dr's visits and meds. Ugh, just putting this all on here is making me tired again. ;) As we overcame each hurdle it seemed that we stumbled upon a new one. Thank God Ellie and Ethan were so patient and forgiving of how much time I dedicated to little Emsley this past year.

My point in all of this though, is that this past year, with each challenge that it brought, is the year that I would say changed and defined me as "mom".

I've always been a little unsure, and even insecure in this role. I would immediately make a list of excuses or apologize around other moms for the decisions I was making or for the reasons my child(ren) was/were acting the way they were. Or apologetically explain why I couldn't nurse as much or as long as I wanted to, why I had to supplement with formula, why I discipline the way I do, or wince at the fact that I had 3 c-sections.

But this year changed all of that. For the first time in my 5 1/2 years of being a parent I leaned on the truth that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I would look at each day and each challenge and say to myself "I've got this. I can do this. There is no better mom for my children than me." It wasn't just a pep talk, I really believed it! While this did not make me a perfect mom, it made me a better one.

For the first time this year I could make decisions with more confidence and not care as much about what people around me thought. Instead I only cared about what the need at the time was and how each child needed me, the mom that I am.

When our baby needed more medication and I knew it was going to cost a small fortune, I researched as long as it took to find the cheapest way to get her what she needed. I knew when I needed to stay home for weeks on end to get my children healthy that they would be loooong weeks but well worth it.

At the beginning of this summer I decided Ethan was going to need some pushing to get him potty trained. I also am a firm believer in waiting for the child to show signs of potty training, but I could tell that he is the type of personality that needs a little (or big at times) nudge. It was a rough start, and I have many not so lovely stories to share about our rough road with potty training him, but I can now say we've turned a corner and he is doing SO well! It's so rewarding to know that we worked together and we did it!

I could go on, but you get the picture. It feels good to be this person now. I'm far from perfect and I make mistakes, often daily. But I love being confident in knowing that God had a plan in choosing them for me and me for them. I know how to read my children, I know what they need. I have a better feel for when I need to push them, when to discipline them and when to give them grace. I need to be their protector, their nurse, their provider, their biggest fan, their confidant, their guide and the one who shows them how to respect their father and ultimately point them to God.

I know my journey as a mom is far from over, it's actually just begun in a lot of ways. I know I still have many, many more challenges to face. I once heard that the older the child, the bigger the problems. I believe this is true. While I'm sure it will some day be nice to be free of diapers, bottles and nap schedules, I can't imagine what it will be like to face challenges like struggles at school, problems with friends, broken hearts, peer pressure with drugs, sex and alcohol.

I've heard before that motherhood is the most challenging and most rewarding thing a woman can do, and it is 100% true for me. The most challenging? yes, without a doubt! But definitely the most rewarding. The days are long and the years are fast and through it all God is carrying me while I carry them.

When I don't have answers, I'm so thankful for the fact that I can turn to God who is a perfect father and is perfect in love.

Ellie's Growin' Up

When I look back at pictures of our beautiful little Elliana when I first started this blog, I almost can't believe she's the same person.

She still has a larger than life personality, a mousy voice, a strong will, a love for people and life and a smile that lights up any room. But in many ways she is not the same person, and she's definitely no longer a toddler. She is a little girl, through and through.

The closer to age 4 that Ellie gets, the easier she gets. Although she's like any other 3 year old that cries, whines and throws fits when they don't get their way, those moments are becoming less and less for us. Ellie is finally understanding the idea of discipline; why we discipline and what actions require discipline. She also now understands that she only gets rewards for good behavior.

Don't hear me wrong, I never wanted to change the person that God made Ellie to be. I love her for who she is-strong will and all. I just always prayed that God would use her strong will for good, and today that is still my prayer.

I'm loving the things I'm seeing in our Ellie. She is compassionate and she has a big heart for others. She has a way of bringing a smile to almost anyone. She loves Jesus and isn't afraid to talk about Jesus to anyone-Christian or not. I'm so proud of her and I'm excited to see how God will use her in the future.

Here's a few little day to day stories of what makes Ellie so fun and grown up lately.

When Elliana was a baby and toddler, she wasn't very good at entertaining herself or sitting still for anything. Now she loves to color, do puzzles, or watch a movie in her room all by herself. Or, she loves to play with Ethan, chase him around and mother him. :)

She LOVES to help out with any household chores Caleb or I need to do. She hangs out with Caleb while he mows the lawn, she tries to help me fold laundry, and she loves to help me cook or bake. Anytime I go to the kitchen to start whatever I'm making, she pulls up a chair and asks how she can help!

 

Elliana has her own sense of style now, and most mornings she wants to pick out her outfits by herself. To my surprise, I often times love what she's chosen to wear. That girl has better style than I do. ;)

 

 

I had been talking about organizing Ellie and Ethan's clothes. I wanted to box up the shoes and clothes that don't fit anymore, and go through some used clothing we'd been given and put the next size up in ther drawers and closets. I was busy cleaning the kitchen when Ellie asked me what shoes don't fit her anymore. I was preoccupied and didn't know why she was asking so I just casually listed a few pairs of shoes that don't fit her anymore. The next thing I knew, Ellie came into the kitchen and showed me that she had boxed up the every exact pair of shoes that I was going to box up. I was amazed!

Every so often, Ellie acts like she's older than she is. I wouldn't call this a good or a bad thing, but often it makes me laugh.

This past weekend I was driving with my kids and my niece Devyn to her family cabin. I had given both girls some grapes when we picked Devyn up. After a while Devyn asked for some more grapes. Then Ellie piped up with "Oh honey, I'm SO sorry but I ate all of them." Yep, Devyn is 4 years Ellie's senior and Ellie called her honey.

Later in the car, Devyn said she felt carsick and needed to vomit. I was so proud of Devyn as she waited until I was able to pull over (it took a few minutes) to hop out of the car and do her business. After we were back on our way Ellie kept asking Devyn if she was okay, if she needed anything, and to be sure and let us know if she needed to throw up again. :)

Elliana likes to "parent" Ethan too. She calls him "Dear" and "Sweetheart" and tries to care for him or get us when she can't help him. It's adorable and hilarious at the same time. She'll often say "Oh Ethan, what are we going to do with you?!" Ha ha.

These days Ellie likes to count and do simple crafts. She talks all the time about turning 5 and starting school some day. She likes to talk about the things she'll be able to do when she's 5, like getting her ears pierced and finally being free of a carseat.

I've had a few people talk to me about how ready Ellie is for preschool. Although I know this is true, and that she would love preschool, I'm just not ready to say goodbye to these toddler days yet. To have my Ellie gone for a good chunk of every day. As it is, she's already growing up too fast.

 

 

And don't think I'm neglecting this adorable face, I'll be doing a post on him soon. :)

All Because Two People Fell In Love...

Caleb and I went out to dinner Friday night with Elliana and Ethan. Caleb and I love going out on dates just the two of us, but going out as a family creates a completely different feel. It's a lot of fun, and a lot stressful. Especially because we have VERY active children that don't like to sit long for ANYTHING. Ha!

While we were focused on containing the chaos and trying to keep the noise level and messes down, a very sweet elderly woman walked up to us. She commented on how cute our little ones were. I just smiled and said "Thank you." She started walking away and then turned around to say "My husband and I have 28 great-grandchildren!" She was beaming with pride. I Congratulated her and told her she was very blessed. She was a beautiful woman, one that had aged very gracefully, and was obviously proud of her family and the life she has lived.

Then I got to thinking. Not many people live to see their great-grandchildren, let alone 28 of them! I looked at Caleb and thought to myself, I wonder how many of our grandchildren or great-grandchildren we'll get to meet. It's hard to imagine now when we're in the thick of growing and raising our own small family. Still, it was fun to think about.

This lead me to think about how my family-the family I grew up with, has already grown so much.

My sisters and I have a tradition of surprising our mom with family photos for Mother's Day every 3-4 years. It's a fun tradition, and this year was extra special because our very talented friend Becky was photographing the family. As always, we had a blast and she did a FANTASTIC job! These are just a few of the favorites she shared on her site, we haven't even seen all of the photos yet.

Over the years my family has grown from this:

To this:

That's 4 sisters, 4 husbands, and 6 little ones all ages 7 and under. And my 2 younger sisters haven't even started having children yet.

I can't help but wonder what this family will look like 10, 20 or 30 years from now.

Or what families will grow from these 6 sweet faces:

Whatever the future holds, I'm so thankful that my parents fell in love, and that they have their own growing family to show for it.

And I'm also thankful for Becky. For taking such beautiful photos that we will cherish for years to come. I can't wait to see the rest!

"I'm Not Scared!"

I always thought that I would have a daughter just like me in every way (silly, I know). She would have my temperament, my hobbies, and we would get along just fine. Discipline wouldn't be a problem because she would be so well behaved and she would be such a sweet, quiet little girl. Ha!

Then Elliana was born. From the very day she came into this world I knew she would be a challenge for me. She rattled every preconceived notion I had. She was incredibly strong willed right from the get-go. Dr's even commented at 2 weeks old how strong willed she was. As an infant she was also colicky.

As she grew older I learned other things about my Ellie. She was loud (I am not), incredibly extroverted (I am not) and at times, quite a tomboy. I also learned as she grew older that disciplining her would NOT be easy and I would have many embarrassing moments as I tried to tame my wild Elliana.

I remember calling my mom many times asking for advice and even just some help. Then one day mom said something to me that just stuck. I'll always remember this piece of advice. She said "God gives us the children he does for a reason. It's not just because you're the right parent for them, but they're the right child for you. Our children teach us and make us grow in many ways too."

My mom was right. Elliana is only 2 1/2 years old and I've already grown in so many ways because of her. I'll get to what I've learned from her, but I had to share this story;

Every year our small little town holds a Harvest Festival on Labor Day weekend. It's so much fun and family oriented. There are rides, jump castles, music, fair food (unfortunately, I love fair food) and many booths.

We went this past Monday and had a wonderful time. Just as we were getting ready to leave, we discovered the kiddie rides at the edge of the park. Everything was about to close down but Ellie desperately wanted to ride some of the rides. I quickly obliged. After all, you only live once.

Although Ellie was the ONLY child on a lot of the rides, she had a great time.









Do you see that very tall, very steep slide in the background? That's where our story continues.

After riding a few rides, Ellie noticed the very tall (I think it was like 25-30 feet tall) and very steep slide. She insisted that she had to go down it. (I have to note that there were much older children crying because they were too scared to go on this slide and their friends were trying to coax them into sliding down it.) I was quick to point that out to Ellie and tell her it was too big and too scary for her. Without skipping a beat she looked at me and exclaimed "I'm not scared!" Then she marched right up to the man who was letting kids through and handed him a ticket.

As she began climbing the just as steep ladder, I realized that she may not have been scared, but I was. I kept waiting for her to fall of the ladder, or I just "knew" she would get to the top and change her mind. But every few steps she would turn around and yell "Mommy! I'm not scared!"

Once she was at the top I couldn't see her anymore. Again, I was waiting for her to cry out for help or say she wanted down. But I never heard that. Just a few moments later she was at the bottom of the slide with a big grin on her face. She exclaimed "I want to do that again!" Of course!



I was so proud of Ellie in that moment. I loved seeing how fearless she was. It was one of the many life lessons she's already taught me.

I have no doubt that God chose me to be her mom or that he chose her to be my daughter. She is nothing that I dreamed my daughter would be-and I am SO thankful! My dreams of a daughter seem so boring now. Honestly, my life would be so boring without Ellie. Yes, Elliana is just what I needed to make me grow into a better person.

Every day I thank God for giving me Ellie and for making her who she is. I can't wait to see what other lessons I'm going to learn from her. And just think of all of the fun we're going to have! ;-)

Never A Dull Moment

My sister Courtney recently reminded me that my blog is way past due for a post on Elliana.

I completely agree! With how much personality our little Ellie has, I could write a post on the things she says daily. Unfortunately I just don't have the time.

Before I begin with "Ellie funnies", I have to say that the last week or so has been a bit challenging with her. I had felt that we had turned a corner with her in terms of discipline and her obedience, but she's been quite disobedient this week. She has spent a lot of time in time out, and I've spent a lot of time asking God to guide Caleb and I on how best to raise and discipline her. I guess raising children will always be an ongoing learning experience.

Okay, now on to the funny stuff! :)

Elliana is just as much girly as she is a tomboy. She's a tomboy because she has a ton of energy, and she loves to play games and run around and rough house. She always has some bruise or scrape on her.

The girly side of her has really been showing lately. Anytime she watches a movie, she wants to see the dancing, the wedding scene, or the kissing scene. It's too funny. She also loves to have her toes painted, to wear dresses, and to dance. Yes, our Ellie is a sucker for romance.

Speaking of romance, every time I tell Ellie that her daddy is on his way home from work, she smiles really big and says "Mommy... Daddy's going to kiss you!"

Ever since Ellie was a flower girl in her Uncle Nate's wedding in June, she has become obsessed with weddings. Last weekend we were on our way to a party. When Ellie asked where we were going, we told her we were going to a party. With tears in her eyes, she cried "I don't want to go to a party. I want to go to a wedding!"

Just look at the joy on Elliana's face from these weddings this summer:











Lately anytime we're leaving the house, Ellie has to pack her own purse or "lunch box". She has several different bags that she uses. She has a few play purses, a plastic toy box, and if she can't find any of those, she'll use a gift bag. She always has to pack her bags or purses with her drink, a snack, and a toy. Smart girl.

We're always amazed by Ellie's vocabulary and her inquisitiveness. She's always asking questions and always follows them up with "Why?".

This afternoon after Caleb returned from an eye appointment, Ellie said "Daddy, did you get an owie on your eye?" Caleb responded with "No, the Dr's were just making sure that my eyes are still healthy." Ellie thought for a moment and then said "Yeah, you don't want to get diarrhea!" Ha! She always relates being sick to having diarrhea.

Tonight at dinner Ellie turned to Caleb and said "Daddy, I have to ask you a question." Caleb responded with "Okay Ellie, what's your question?" She acted like she wanted to ask something very serious. Then she said "At Alli and Brian's wedding... are they going to kiss?"

This one is a bit embarrassing, but I don't know that we've ever had to try so hard not to laugh. Out of nowhere, at lunch today, Ellie said "Mommy, sometimes when you wear your pajamas, you don't look so good." Touche.

As crazy as Elliana is, she also has a very sweet side. It's obvious that she loves her family (especially her daddy and brother) and she's always telling us how much she loves us. Lately she's been telling Caleb "Daddy, when you leave for work, that makes me sad. But when you come home, that makes me happy!"



She's also constantly trying to make her brother smile or laugh. We've noticed that he's ALWAYS watching her. Partly out of awe, and partly out of fear of what she's going to do to him. Ha!





Yes, there is NEVER a dull moment when Ellie's around. Although she and I often have our power struggles (I honestly don't always win), I just couldn't live without her.

A Little Honesty

Please understand before you read this that I KNOW in my heart and in my head how blessed I am to have my two beautiful babies. It's something I've always wanted and I love them more than words can say.

That being said... this last week or so has been tough. I mean very tough. I knew that the transition to two kids would be hard, and truth be told it's been slightly easier than I had feared, but I'm struggling with this phase right now.

I'm struggling with the fact that it's a miracle if I get a shower in and it's an even greater miracle if I'm able to get out of the house with all 3 of us dressed, fed, and happy.

I know this phase will pass all too quickly and I'll be wishing my son was a newborn again, but right now I feel guilty that Elliana isn't getting the attention she needs and deserves because I'm spending SO much time nursing.

Again, I am SO thankful for my babies but I'm longing for some "me" time. Just a little time would help.

I know this is just a phase, a short lived one, and in a few weeks I won't be nursing Ethan for half of my day and just trying to survive every moment. I'm so looking forward to his smiles, his coos, and to watching his relationship with Elliana grow. I'm also looking forward to taking the two of them to fun activities and to the park and to all of the fun memories that are ahead.

Until then, my days are filled with being at home, squeezing in showers when I can, nursing most of the day, and trying meet Elliana's and Ethan's needs as best as I can.

Another Short Story

I don't have a picture for this post, although I really wish I did! I simply had to share this story though. This is a little snapshot into how funny our little Elliana is, and one of the reasons she always keeps us laughing.

I was putting Ellie to bed last night. The routine went as usual. Caleb read to her and brushed her teeth and then handed her over to me. I prayed with her and then sang a few songs to her and then I put her down in her crib.

A few short minutes later she started crying and calling for me, saying things like "Mommy, where are you"? It always tugs at my heart. We always wait for several minutes before going back into her room to give her time to settle herself to sleep.

The crying and calling became louder and then turned into her just talking to herself. Then she became quiet. I decided she was too quiet too quickly so I just peeked into her room.

I saw stuff on the floor. This was not unusual. She usually throws her blankets and/or baby doll out of the crib when she wants us to go back into her room. I looked closer. It was her diaper and pajamas. As soon as I realized this, I looked back at Ellie and she was jumping and running around in her crib. Naked. And having the time of her life!

It was all I could do to not laugh out loud.

It's times like this that I wonder how we're ever going to transition her into a big bed. I like that we can keep her confined in her crib right now. Otherwise, we might have a naked toddler running around in the middle of the night.

Elliana These Days

I've said it a lot lately, but we've been enjoying our time with Elliana SO much! I don't know what it is, but she seems to be more fun every day.

Maybe it's the fact that she's become more cuddly and affectionate, or maybe it's because she's become so polite and uses her "please and thank you" words without being told to, or maybe it's because we hear the words "I love you ________ " (fill in any family member) on a regular basis. I think it might be because I know that the days of it being just me and Elliana are numbered.



Whatever the reason, I love this girl. She brings so much life, personality, and joy into our home.

I wanted to share some of the things that make us smile with her around:

Ellie has just started singing in the past week or two. Her two favorite songs right now are "Happy Birthday" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". This is how she sings Happy Birthday; "Happy to you, Happy to you, Happy Mommy". :) I especially love the fact that anytime she sees a lit candle now, she immediately starts singing Happy Birthday. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star goes something like this; "Twinkle Star, Twinkle Star, How... Twinkle Star". I wish I could do it justice through writing. I guess I'll have to get it on camera soon.

Anytime I'm cleaning or cooking in the kitchen Elliana drags a chair (all by herself) all the way across the kitchen, pulls it next to me, and gets on top of it so she can participate in whatever I'm doing.

Here she just enjoyed some chocolate cookie dough. I LOVE this smile!



I've gotten pictures of this before, but it seems that Ellie is trying to outdo herself. When I'm getting ready in the morning, she gets into my underwear drawer and puts on as many items of underwear and bras as she can. It's getting rediculous, lately she puts on so many that it reaches half way up her face.



Ellie likes to "talk" to the baby without being prompted to. The other night we were eating dinner and Ellie and I were sitting on opposite ends of the table. She suddenly stuck her head under the table and in her tiny squeaky voice said "hi baby" and waved at my stomach. This girl is so funny.

Another funny thing she did at dinner the other night, she said "I love you Daddy, I love you Mommy" and just as Caleb and I were about to respond, Ellie continued with "I love you Ellie". I guess she didn't want to be left out. ;-)

Anytime all 3 of us are sitting at the table, she grabs the hand of the person sitting closest to her and says "Pray". Then she'll often interupt in the middle of the prayer with "Amen"! Apparently she likes to pray, but not too long.

I could go on with stories all day, but those are the ones that stick in my mind at the moment. I'll just leave you with these pictures. I love the many faces she makes.

Tidbits of Elliana

It's so funny to me how time changes everything. Not long ago I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with the craziness that is my daughter. I even posted about how overwhelmed I felt at the idea of parenting and raising her.

I don't know what it is, but suddenly I find myself seeing Ellie in a whole new way. I don't know if she has changed, if I have, if we're just beginning to understand each other, of if I'm beginning to learn how best to discipline her and teach her.

Elliana is still very strong willed and busy, busy, BUSY! But, she's softened up quite a bit. She's more obedient, she's become pretty good at sharing and being kind to other kids (most of the time), she's more loving, she initiates hugs and kisses, and she actually lets us snuggle her for short periods of time (she is NOT a cuddler). She brings us more joy than we could ever have imagined.

It helps that this is my favorite age for little ones. Actually, I love all babies and kids, but I think the age from 1-2 years old is definitely my favorite.

Ellie and I have shared so many smiles, giggles, and just fun times lately. Here's just a few of them:

-She's been working on using utensils when she eats. When she succeeds at getting a spoon or fork full of food into her mouth, she claps wildly for herself and expects us to clap too. Ha!



-The other day we were praying before breakfast. After I said "Amen" she grabbed my hand and said "more"! So, we prayed again. And again. And again.

-Ellie has been working on her animal sounds. She can say bow-wow, moo, meow, and she can roar. When I was grocery shopping yesterday, I walked up to the milk and she started saying "Moo" over and over. I couldn't figure out how she knew that milk came from cows and then I realized that she saw the pictures of cows on the milk cartons. This girl is too funny.

-We've been practicing pointing out our eyes, nose, mouth, and ears with Ellie. The other day I decided to take a nap with her. I woke up to Ellie pointing at my eyes, nose, and mouth and saying each one.

-I've always wanted Ellie to be close to her cousins. For the most part she adores all of her cousins, but she has a love-hate relationship with her cousin Reagan, born just two weeks after her. Sometimes they hug and kiss and play well, and other times they fight like cats and dogs. A few weeks ago Reagan walked up to Ellie, grabbed her by the shirt, and dragged her into the other room. I wish I could have captured the puzzled look on Ellie's face. It was hilarious!



-I think Elliana is going to be a very organized, clean person. She almost always cleans up after herself, before I even ask her to. She also loves to organize. She lines things up, stacks things, etc. This morning she lined all of her duckies on the edge of the bathtub.

-I used to think Elliana was going to be a tomboy. I guess there's still a chance that she will be, but she's showing signs of being quite girly too. If she finds a bow, she'll hold it up to her head and ask me to put it in her hair. She also loves it when I tell her how pretty she is. Most of the time she'll repeat "pretty" and run off to show her daddy. :) I just had to add this. After finishing this post, Elliana came to me with my body splash in her hands and she was trying to spray it on herself. Ha ha! So yeah, this girl likes girly stuff too.

-Ellie is so expressive! I think she gets that from Caleb. Ha! She has so many faces. Her latest face is her pouty face. When we tell her no, she sticks her bottom lip out as far as it will go. It's so sad, and at the same time, it's hard not to laugh.








I'm sure I have many more stories, I just can't think of them right now. I'm sure I'll have many more posts like this in the future. This girl keeps us laughing all of the time. Good thing I have a blog. ;)