I've Been Here Before

I really debated whether or not I should put this on the blog. I know some people may shake their heads at me for sharing about this, but I've never understood why this subject is so "hush-hush". I reminded myself that I started this blog for me, for our family. It's like a journal to me in a way. So if you don't agree with me sharing about this, please understand that I'm putting this on here for me to process through writing (typing).

Let me start at the beginning. We've been trying for months, with the help of fertility drugs to get pregnant with baby #2. Last Saturday I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I took another one the next day, positive. Instantly I started dreaming about baby #2, what he/she would look like, how I couldn't wait to do the "pregnant thing" again, how I couldn't wait to have a newborn again, how we would adjust, what kind of sister Elliana would be, the changes we needed to make in our house, etc. The timing was perfect. This was the month that I REALLY wanted to get pregnant all along. I kept thinking, God is so good!

By Wednesday I had 3 positive pregnancy tests. Each one darker than the one before. It was official, I was pregnant! Elliana had her 18 month well child check and we see the same Dr., so I decided I would talk to the Dr. about the pregnancy during Ellie's appointment. Due to my history, the Dr. offered to do blood work to make sure everything was developing well. I quickly agreed because it was so reassuring to see how things were progressing with Elliana through blood work.

After doing a pregnancy test in the office, a nurse came in and said "well, the test came back positive but it was very weak". This was the same nurse that used those exact same words before I had a miscarriage years ago. They proceeded to draw my blood and said they would call sometime that afternoon. Instantly fear set in. I told myself I was just psyching myself out and I went home to wait for the results.

That afternoon I got a call from the nurse. "Well, your HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are very low, but we want you to come in on Friday to do blood work again". I got off the phone and sobbed. I suddenly realized that the pregnancy symptoms I had been experiencing days before, were no longer there. Then I called Caleb, my mom, and sisters. They all tried to be positive and reassure me. They reminded me it was still very early in the pregnancy and that my hormone levels were probably just reflecting that. Everyone told me not to worry until I got Friday's results.

I spent the next two days crying, praying and reading God's word. I kept praying that God would give me peace, no matter the outcome. I kept hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong, because my gut told me that I was losing this baby.

Finally, Friday morning came. I went in right away to get my blood drawn. When your pregnant, your HCG levels are supposed to double every 24-48 hours. All morning I anxiously awaited the results. Around lunch time the Dr. called. Bad news. Not only did my HCG levels not double, they plummeted. She confirmed what I already knew, I was having another miscarriage. Now I just had to wait for my body to do what it was supposed to, and that was just as hard as the news. Sure enough, yesterday I started bleeding.

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy or look for attention, again this is therapeutic for me. As hard as it was to go through this again, and as much as I do want another child, God did answer my prayers. He prepared me this time around and he definitely gave me a peace about it. I really sensed his presence and I know I'm going to be okay. I still believe he is good, and I still trust his plan for me and for our family. I think he was trying to get my attention so I would draw even closer to him again. It worked!

Caleb and I look at Elliana a little differently now. We hold her a little closer. We understand even more what a miracle she is. She is the BEST gift that God has ever given us. We still hope and pray that God will give us another child, in his timing. If not, we'll always remember God faithfulness and goodness to us by giving us Ellie. After all, we chose the name Elliana as a reminder of God's faithfulness.

Elliana- "The Lord has answered our prayers".

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Praise You In This Storm

I realize that this is going to seem like a very heavy post in comparison to most of my other posts. However, there's a lot going on right now. Some good news, some bad news, some bad mixed with good, some good mixed with bad, etc. There's also a lot of uncertainty about a few different areas of our lives.

First and foremost, one of Caleb's closest high school friends Nick passed away yesterday due to bacterial meningitis. He played in a hockey game on June 9th, went into the hospital on June 14th, and passed away only one week later. It was very sudden and unexpected. Nick's wife is 5 months pregnant with their first child, a son. We have had dinner with them a few times. Once hearing of Nick's condition in the hospital, he's been on Caleb's mind and heart constantly. We prayed for him constantly too, that God would do a miracle. Caleb was so heartbroken to hear the news of his passing.

As far as the uncertainty goes, our church pastor, (one of the greatest pastors to exist in my opinion), announced he will be retiring and moving on to pastoral care for missionaries in about one year. This pastor started the church we are members at 26 years ago. He's been the only head pastor for 26 years. We know God has a plan for this church, but finding a new head pastor definitely means a lot of unknown changes.

This song has been on my mind and heart today. I cried many, many times to this song after we had a miscarriage almost three years ago. There's something so healing about crying, actually sobbing before God and telling him straight how you feel. I love the words to this song because they're SO honest. Trusting God and praising him in the midst of our trials is SO difficlut, but for me, that's when I've grown closest to him.



There are some other things on my mind that I don't feel free to share about yet, but I'm just trying to trust God. He is sovereign, and he is good, no matter the outcome. I'm feeling scared and uncertain about the end result, but I'm laying it at the Lord's feet.

Gettin' Some Good Practice In

I've been really open about trying to get pregnant with baby #2. As time has gone on I've had to ask myself some really hard questions over and over, like, Can I really handle two kids? How do you balance life with two kids? What if they're both very needy at the same time? I love Elliana more than I ever thought possible, will I really love the next one as much?

Even though I don't have answers to these questions, seeing as how I don't have two kids yet, I feel as though I've gotten some really good practice in over the last few weeks.

I've agreed to watch my friend's 1 year old son on Mondays for the summer. I'll be honest, the first Monday did NOT go well. I think he was just upset because he wasn't familiar with me or our house. Let's just say that most of the day was spent with him crying, me holding him so he wouldn't cry, and Elliana crying just because she was jealous that I was holding him so much. That day left me a little scared. I thought to myself "maybe it's best that I don't have another baby for a while". However, today is the 2nd Monday and it has been much, much better. I actually got him and Elliana down for a nap at the same time! Go me!



I'm also watching my niece and nephew for 1.5 days while my sister is on vacation. My first day watching Devyn and Hudson was last thursday. Aside from the huge mess that was left, the day went pretty smooth in my opinion. I took Devyn, Hudson AND Elliana swimming at the free lake by our house. I even packed everything we needed, snacks, towels, diapers, swim diapers, sunblock, etc. That's right, I did it all with THREE kids! Again, so proud of myself. ;) Ha! I guess we'll have to see how tomorrow goes.



In all seriousness though, I've learned that I don't have to be so overwhelmed at the idea of two kids. God gives me the strength, the energy, and the patience when I need it. No, life won't be as easy as it's been with just one child, but I'm sure I'll manage (with God's help... and Caleb's help too). I can't remember life before Ellie, and I now know how empty my life would be without her. I'm sure I'll feel the same way about the next child, whenever that may be.

Our Caribbean Cruise

I can't believe it's taken me SO long to get on the blog and add the pictures from our trip! We had an AMAZING time and Caleb and I both agreed it was the best vacation we've taken as just the two of us! We enjoyed it WAY more than our honeymoon.

Unfortunately, Elliana was incredibly sick while we were gone. She had a very high fever for several days. It was hard to be away from her while she was so sick. I'm so thankful that my Mom is a nurse and that she took such amazing care of miss Elliana. She spent some time with Caleb's parents too, and I'm so thankful for their time caring for her too.

As wonderful as the trip was, it was good to be home and we were so excited to see Elliana and hold her again! We wouldn't let Elliana go, and she held onto us for a long time when we got home. I'm happy to report that Ellie is feeling well again.

I'll write more later, but in the meantime, here is a slideshow of our trip. Once again, it was wonderful!

Leaving Our Baby Behind

It's here! The cruise we've been planning and anxiously awaiting for over a year is finally here! We don't actually leave until tomorrow morning, but as I finish putting away laundry and packing all of our bags, I can't help but have mixed emotions right now.

Of course I'm beyond excited. I can't wait to experience our first cruise, the all-inclusive benefits (incredibly yummy food), to enjoy swimming, snorkeling, staying up late and sleeping in, the shows, and the many other things that come with a cruise. Not to mention the fact that I'll be enjoying all of this with Caleb, just the two of us. I think it will feel like our honeymoon again. ;) I've been dreaming about this for months!

But, part of me is sad right now. I've never been away from Ellie this long. I'm going to miss her SO much! I'm going to miss having her apart of my every activity, the way she randomly runs up and hugs my legs, the way she tries unsuccessfully to repeat every word I say, the way she points at me and says "mommy" a dozen times whenever we're around someone, her hugs and kisses, everything. Part of me is like, gees Christine, get a grip. It's only 5 days! I know it will be good for me, and I know she'll be fine and she's in good hands (thank you grandparents!), but I've just gotten so used to having her around, and including her in everything I do.

I think Elliana's actually beginning to enjoy my company too(Ha!). Lately she wants to do everything with me, or just like me. Let me demonstrate:



Here she is helping me make muffins. She reached right into the bowl and decided to help herself. :)



Lately, Ellie will find anything with a strap on it and carry it on her shoulder like a purse. She was carrying this bucket around like a purse. Unfortunately, I took this picture right after she took it off. Don't you just love her necklaces though?



The other day Ellie got into my bra/ panties drawer and put them on all by herself. Then she decided to parade around the house in my underwear (great!). I swear, I did NOT prompt her to do this.



How can I leave this adorable, spunky, energetic, crazy, lovable, hilarious, sweet, full-of-life child?





In the past, I've always dreaded coming home from a vacation. I know I won't this time, because I'll be so anxious to get my arms around my baby again. We love you SO much Ellie, and we're going to miss you!