Emsley at 8 Months

I can not believe our sweet Emsley is 8 months old already! Where is the time going?

Emsley, this is what you are like at 8 months old:

~You weigh 15 pounds and 6 ounces. I'm guessing that you are somewhere between 26 and 27 inches long. Your growth seems to have slowed just a bit but I guess that's to be expected at this age.

~You moved into size 3 diapers this past month! Just one size smaller than Ethan.

~You still wear 6-9 months in clothing. 

~You have really taken to solid foods this month. You're a pro now! Your favorites are sweet potatoes, pears and cinnamon with oatmeal, mixed fruit with oatmeal, bananas, mashed potatoes (you tried those for the first time the other night), and squash.

~You still take a bottle first thing in the morning, right before bed, and between meals. About 4-5 bottles a day. You are completely done nursing. :(

~You sleep like a champ at night and rarely wake up anymore. You are still in the bassinet in our room since you've been sick lately and I want to keep a close eye on you.

~You typically take a short nap in the morning (30-45 minutes) and a long(ish) nap in the early afternoon. Somewhere between 1-2 hours. Ethan often interrupts your sleep and I'm afraid you don't get nearly enough. I think you would nap more and longer if you could. When you are a tired baby, it really changes your mood.

~You are teething like CRAZY! You are constantly drooling and chewing on anything you can get your hands on. I STILL don't see any teeth, but I assume we won't wait too much longer...

~For the most part, you are a very happy baby. If you are well fed and well rested, you love to smile, laugh and giggle. You smile all the time now.  You LOVE to laugh with us, especially Ellie and Ethan.

~Even though you don't crawl yet, you've just started rolling around to get where you want to in the past few days. We've seen you start to roll across the room. :)

~You SO long to be mobile and I can tell you want to be able to run around and play with your siblings. 

~You sit up really well without support all of the time now.

~You love to be on the floor to play.

~You are so curious about your world now. You love to reach, grab and play with anything.

~You are beginning to outgrow the exersaucer. You have completely outgrown the swing and bouncy seat. Your prefer to be moving around on the floor.

~You and your siblings are developing great relationships. You and Ellie have mutual adoration for one another and you and Ethan have a love/hate relationship. I completely understand why. Sometimes Ethan is SO good to you, and other times he's just a bully. We're still trying to work with him. :) 

~This month you developed a new love for baths. Bath time is definitely your FAVORITE and it's the only thing that can make you go from completely angry and grumpy, to happy and giggling. You love to splash and play with the bath toys.

~You are not as content to sit and cuddle as you once were. I can tell by the way you look around that you can't wait to be mobile and explore the world around you. I guess you're too busy to cuddle. I'll take what I can get though. You'll always sit contently in my lap when I'm giving you a bottle.

~You've been sick a lot this month. :( It's been hard on both of us (me for worrying too much). This is one of the drawbacks of having a preemie. Although you are thriving beautifully, you have a weak immune system and weak lungs. We've been instructed to give you breathing treatments via nebulizer through the winter months. 

~Nicknames: Em is still your #1 nickname. We also often call you baby girl or baby sister. 

~Emsley we all love and adore you. You are definitely a light and joy to this family, and you are the perfect addition and completion to our family. I can't wait to see all that God has in store for you. 

March Madness

It's March 1st! That means the two longest and coldest months of the year are over-YAY!!

Our March is going to be crazy busy. For all of you basketball lovers, I'm afraid that I will not be referring to basketball's March madness in this post. Sorry.

First and foremost, I can't go on without sharing the amazing, wonderful news that Jenn and Courtney already shared on their blogs.

This past Wednesday my Dad was officially declared CANCER FREE! I can't even tell you how much joy this brings to m! I've actually had moments when I've been crying tears of joy over this wonderful news. God is so good! I couldn't help but think of this quote when I was thinking of the journey our family has been on this year;

Okay, so maybe it's a bit of a stretch to use that quote with this situation, but I LOVE this quote from Lord of the Rings. I couldn't help but post the whole quote below. :)

"It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer!"

Now I'm getting off topic. All I can say is, Dad, you're my hero and I'm so thankful that we get to have you around for many, many more years (Lord willing). :)

Now, back to the insanity that is this month. Caleb and I have so much planned that my head is spinning a bit. We're going from trying to fill weekends that are wide open to having so much going on I don't know how we'll manage it all. 

Next weekend I have to leave my babies for 3 days and Caleb and I are flying with his parents to San Francisco to visit his Grandma Janette, aunts, uncles and cousins. It's been a while since we've been to California to visit his family and it's past time considering our grandmothers are getting well into their 90s and we don't know how much time we have left with them. It will be a fun time.

It's always so bittersweet leaving my babes behind. On one hand, I know I could use a break and enjoy some time alone(ish) with the hubby and enjoy some adult time. On the other hand, I always miss them terribly and almost everything, EVERYTHING makes me think of them and what they're doing.  In this case the statement of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" completely applies to me. It helps to know they'll be in good hands with my sister Alli and my mom.

Then, after we return home from that trip, Caleb will have 1 week of work and then it's his spring break. On Sunday the 17th we'll be going to my sister Alli's house for a gender reveal party. Alli and Brian are expecting their first baby just weeks after our little one is born. It should be a lot of fun!

We always try to do something fun with the kids during spring break even if it's not a huge vacation. Last year we got a hotel and spent a couple days and nights in Denver.

We can't go too far this year due to my pregnancy, and we didn't want to do Denver again, so we are surprising the kids with a couple of days and nights in Colorado Springs.

We plan on going to see Focus on the Family (they have some great play rooms, a huge slide, and an old fashioned soda shoppe),

And we want to check out this indoor play area called Monkey Bizness. It's supposed to be a lot like the Cool Beans play place that I blogged about last month only even bigger and better.

 

In between doing those activities I'm sure we'll spend some time at the hotel, swimming in the pool. :)

After we get home from that mini-vacation we'll be heading up to the family cabin for the weekend to see Caleb's brother and SIL. Or as the kids call them "Uncle Nate and Aunt Amanda". Nate and Amanda live out of state and we only get to see them about 3-4 times a year. When they're in town, they love to spend time at the cabin and we enjoy an excuse to get up there too. :) Ellie's had a special bond with them ever since she was a flower girl in their wedding almost 2 years ago so she's really excited to see them. :)

Then, once spring break is over Caleb returns to work for 4 days and then we're off to Breckenridge for a vacation with my side of the family. We'll be gone over the Easter weekend. 

That's 4 sisters and their husbands, my parents, my 3 nieces and 1 nephew, and our 2 kids all staying in the same home. If you counted that's 16 people all under one roof!

It helps that the house we're staying in is large and beautiful (although I hope it's not so beautiful that we destroy it-ha!). 

My family never, I mean NEVER takes a vacation together so I'm REALLY hoping it goes well and that we still like each other when the weekend is over. 

On top of all of the traveling and having fun, we have SIX birthdays to celebrate in March. We have my sister Alli's, then my nephew Nehemiah, then my BIL Jon, then Ethan's 2nd birthday, then my FIL Duncan and my BIL Brian share a birthday at the end of the month. Oy vey!

And then, when it's all said and done it will be April. Whew! I'm exhausted just from writing this post. It's a lot of fun, but a lot of craziness. And a lot of spending. I hope we survive it all. ;)

Life Without A Camera and other Randomness

I was going to name this post "Another Random Post" but really I'm mostly having a hard time not having a camera to document our lives right now.  So, I'll fill you in on what's been going on without pictures (sorry). :)

Caleb and I sent our camera in to be fixed and unfortunately it is not fixable. :( So, it looks like we will be shopping for a new camera in the next few weeks. I can't wait!

This past week we passed the huge milestone that had been on all of our minds ever since Dad's cancer diagnosis. Dad had his surgery to remove his prostate on Thursday and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief when we heard the surgery was over and he was in a recovery room. Jenn did a great job posting about that day on her blog.

I love this picture of me, my mom and my sisters surrounding Dad. Notice how we're all smiling? 

SO relieved to have his surgery behind us!

I am still in awe at the number of emails and texts we all received the day before Dad's surgery from loved ones saying that they were praying for Dad. We have the most amazing friends and family in the world, and let me tell you, we felt your prayers! Like Jenn said, if I ever need to learn what it is to be a good friend, I need to look no further than our own friends and family. We are all blessed indeed.

We will know in 2 weeks after some more tests are done if Dad is in fact cancer free or if he will need more treatment. We are of course praying for a cancer free diagnosis. :)

I've said this before, but January and February are always the longest, most dull months for me. The weather is too cold to enjoy being outside, and aside from Valentine's Day (which some people would argue isn't a real holiday anyway), there isn't a lot of celebrating going on. I can't tell you how happy I am that January is already almost over! We're almost half way through the winter blues.

While waiting for these boring months to pass, I've been enjoying watching some of my favorite TV shows.

A new favorite this year is Downton Abbey. Have you seen it? If not, you must watch it! Caleb and I love sitting down and watching Downton Abbey together (although if you ask him, he'll deny that he likes it ;)). If you haven't been following this show, then you must watch from the beginning. It's not one of those shows that you can just jump into and catch up. We rented seasons 1 and 2 and watched every episode last summer. We're LOVING season 3 so far!

Another show that I am hooked on is The Bachelor. I know. I know I should be ashamed but it has been my guilty pleasure for many years. I don't know why I am so hooked on the show. The couples rarely survive after the taping but I still enjoy watching almost every season to this day. I've only missed a few seasons. I think I'm going to like this one. I'm a big fan of Sean Lowe! I really wanted him to "win" when he was on The Bachelorette with Emily Maynard.

And last, but not least, I figured I should do a little catch up on my pregnancy. I'd take a great photo to show you my growing baby bump, but wait... I can't! Meh.

My 20 week ultrasound is already scheduled! Sure, it's a month away, but that means I'm only 4 weeks away to being half way through this pregnancy! It's speeding by.

Now to see if we can really escape the 20 week ultrasound without finding out the gender of the baby. I really hope we succeed. 

Over this past week I've been feeling those first little baby kicks. :) Sure the baby's not big enough to feel every little move, but I have been feeling a little kick or two on a daily basis for a week now. This is by far my favorite part of being pregnant!

I'm a little worried about naming this 3rd child. First of all, there has been a great debate over whether or not to name this baby an "E" name since Elliana and Ethan both begin with E. Caleb says no E name, I say yes. However, I don't want to pick a name that I only sort of like just because it begins with an E. It will have to be the perfect fit! With Ellie and Ethan, we knew almost from the beginning of those pregnancies what names we liked. This time around, we have no idea where to begin. Oh well, I'm sure we'll find the right name for this baby, boy or girl. :)

Where Are You Christmas?

I've always loved Faith Hill... and Christmas.

But when I heard Faith's song "Where Are You Christmas?" for the first time (watching The Grinch) I thought to myself, what a depressing song during the Christmas season. It didn't make any sense to me why anyone would write a song like that and associate it with Christmas.

And then this year hit, and I have a whole new perspective on that song and mostly how the holidays can be so hard for some people. When I was reading the lyrics to the song I thought, this, THIS is how I'm feeling right now.

My family has been talking a lot about how we're all in this slump, or fog, or whatever seems to fit. Between losing Grandma, missing her terribly especially with this being our first holiday season without her, and now with Dad's recent cancer diagnosis, getting in the "Christmas spirit" is just taking some extra work this year. I'm having a hard time feeling that "magic in the air" feeling that I usually feel this time of year. 

 Even our 3 year old Elliana has randomly made comments like "Christmas is going to be really hard this year without GG."

Forgive me. The last thing I want to be is Debbie Downer or the Grinch. I have children and I'm determined to make this Christmas special for them. I know life has to go on and it will. This year I will find joy in the bright smiles of my kids, in their warm embraces, in the arms of my husband and the company of my many loved ones that are still here sharing life and their love with me.

I know as well as anyone what Christmas is all about, about celebrating Christ coming as a baby and coming to be God with us. So that is what's getting me through when I'm crying or down. God came to be with us then and he's with us today. He's with us and he knows how we're hurting and for me, that's how Christmas has a whole new meaning this year. In the midst of my pain, I will come and adore him because he came to die so that some day, we will be with him in glory and never have to feel pain again. Oh come oh come Emmanuel!

I leave you with the lyrics to "Where Are You Christmas?"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

Our God Is Greater

Again, I apologize because this will be old news to anyone that follows my sisters on social media. This is a big deal though, and I couldn't not put my own thoughts into words on my own blog.

I wish I had a chance to blog when my feelings were more raw and true, but we've had one of the craziest weeks and this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down and blog.

Our family got bad news on Monday. I mean heartbreaking, world shattering news (our world anyway).

Remember, 2012 has not been kind to my family or to many of the loved ones around me. There have been deaths, miscarriages, fires, divorces, I could go on and on. Of course the most earth shattering and heart breaking event to effect my family was the loss of my Grandma Nancy after being diagnosed with cancer only 30 days prior.

We hoped and prayed the worst of heartaches were over. We were wrong.

Monday, after months of postponed and rescheduled appointments and biopsies, we finally got news about my dad's health. News we didn't want to hear and certainly didn't expect. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I can't even tell you how surreal it is to say that my dad has cancer.

It's one of those words that you always shake your head to and apologize to whoever it is you may be talking to going through the journey. You just never think it will effect you so closely. Not one of your loved ones, not one of your parents.

You would think we would have learned that lesson from losing Grandma this past summer. Unfortunately, that word has come back to put us on our knees once again.

I made plans to catch up with an old childhood friend for Tuesday morning long before I remembered that we would get the results to Dad's biopsy on Monday. Tuesday morning I got a message from this friend saying "I just heard the news. I'm so sorry. Do you still want to meet today?" I assured this friend that I did still want to meet with her. Especially since she knows me, she knows my dad, and she is a woman of strong faith and she believes strongly in the power of prayer. This is a friend that called me to pray with me the day she heard of our first miscarriage. She prayed one of the most amazing prayers and I instantly felt better after praying with her.

For whatever reason, this friend and I have grown somewhat apart over the past few years. Not for any good reason other than life has gotten crazy with both of us raising our little ones. But we ran into each other on Halloween night and made plans to reconnect over lunch, and soon.

I believe that God had us schedule this lunch/playdate for the day after the news for a reason. She shared with me that her mom had gotten a tumor a little over a year ago and how hard that time was for her as she waited for test results and then as she waited to hear treatment options and eventually helping her mom during surgery and recovery from surgery. She shared with me that she understands all of the emotions that come with news like this. But then she said something that really stuck with me.

She said "Don't give the word cancer too much power. Don't let it scare you. Our God is greater than that word." I took these words to heart and I believe they are so true.

I've spent the last several days processing this info and going back and forth from being okay to not okay. I go from telling myself, this is fine, Dad will be fine. He will fight this with God's help and he will be just fine. But then, honestly, I do have my moments of crying, of telling God that I can't go through it again. That I can't lose Dad the way we lost Grandma.

There is a silver lining in all of this. The good news, we caught the cancer early. We don't know exactly what the plans of treatment are for Dad yet, but we know we'll be fighting right alongside him. He has a large number of family and friends that love him and are praying for him to be fully healed from this. In the end, God is the great physician and he is greater than ANYTHING! All we can do is lean on his word and his faithfulness, pray, pray, PRAY and believe he will carry us through this, one way or another.

I love you Dad!

 

P.S. Thanks once again to my incredibly talented sister Jenn for designing another beautiful Christmas design for me. My blog was in need of a new look and I LOVE this design! If you're interedted in putting some holiday cheer on your blog, check out Munchkin Land Designs.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

In case you haven't noticed, I've been pretty much absent from this blog of mine lately.

Nothing incredibly great or terribly bad has been going on-life's just been kind of ho-hum. I'm not sure if I'm feeling really blah because I'm still grieving the loss of my Grandma Nancy, or if I'm just waiting for something new to happen.

This past week has been especially hard. On Thursday night, Ellie and Ethan came down with high fevers (101 and 102) and went to bed early. Then Friday morning we discovered they had croup.

I was SO disappointed! Not only because this meant a trip to the Dr. for some meds/steroid injections, but I also knew it meant spending the next several days cooped up at home, feeling tired, sick, and well, grumpy.

My disappointment increased when I realized it meant missing out on the event I was REALLY looking forward to---cousin night! I know the word cousin means many things to other people, but my cousins, my sisters and I are tight. We've always been more like siblings and grew up having "cousin nights" often. A few times at Grandma Nancy's house even.

This was the first cousin night we would have since losing Grandma, and we were determined to make it fun. We had planned a night of pumpkin carving, making pizza and just having a good time.

I mean, look at all the fun we missed!

But Ellie and Ethan had croup. Caleb was with the volleyball team. And after a long week already, I would be spending the next several days nursing my babies back to health.

Don't hear me wrong. I love my babies more than anything. And I've even found some joy in having to slow life down over the last few days. We've watched movies, snuggled, read books, colored and rested a lot. And we've gotten plenty of quality time with one another. :)

Now it's Tuesday. 6 days later and I still can't take Ellie and Ethan anywhere we can get others sick. The fevers are gone and I think we're on the mend, but I am going crazy-with a capitol C! SO ready to get back to the land of the living. :)

 

 I want to see my babes wear these great big smiles again:

 

 

And I'm ready to see them playing dress up, running around and playing outside.

 



Ellie cracks me up with her love for hats.

 

That being said, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks. Caleb has fall break next week and we plan on spending some time at the beautiful family cabin in the mountains near us. Then we're taking the kids to a big fall festival on Halloween and hosting dinner for family at our house. We plan on having dinner with some friends next week too.

The beginning of fall break also marks the beginning of playoff time for Caleb's volleyball season! WOOHOO! I really do enjoy watching and being a part of Caleb's volleyball team, but I don't enjoy the many nights he's away at games or tournaments. The beginning of playoff time marks the end of Christine being a single parent for many fall nights. ;)

Then once volleyball is done, the holiday season will be staring me in the face!

Yes, the holidays this year will be very bittersweet as they will be the first we celebrate without Grandma, but I will still look forward to being with family, having Caleb off and eating delicious food.

 

 

Writing this post lifted my spirits already. I think we're over the worst.

A Season For Healing

I can feel Fall coming. The nights and mornings have been a bit cooler in recent days. Autumn/ Fall has always been my favorite season. I love fall for it's bright colors, delicious flavors (chai latte or pumpkin spice latte anyone?), warmer cute clothes, the coolness in the air, the feel of leaves crunching under your feet, apples, pumpkins, hay rides, corn mazes and of course Thanksgiving.

 

This year Fall means so much more to me though. It means the end of what was a very painful season for myself and many people that I love. I discussed my heavy heart on here about a month ago. At the time I had no idea things were going to get much, much worse for some of us.

I'll give you just a small picture of the pain that I'm talking about. Nearest to my heart is the loss of my beloved Grandma Nancy. Our family continues to feel the pain of missing her. Although each day has been a little easier than the one before, I have yet to go a day without crying (even a little) and almost every thought leads me back to her.

Then there's the pain of my friends and family. In our small couples group from church, we have a close friend that lost both of her parents in a tragic accident two weeks ago, and we have friends that are facing some serious illnesses with their children.

I have a sister and some dear friends that have been walking through the valley that is called infertility. Everybody's journey with infertility looks different, and while my journey was very short lived compared to many, I do know how painful it is. I know what it is to lay awake at night and wonder if you will ever get to become parents. To hold your own child in your arms. I have been praying for these loved ones for months and for some, years. I still trust that God is faithful, and that he does have a plan for each of these families, but sometimes it's so hard to understand what he's doing.

I posted this as my status on fb the other day: "And just like that the school year has begun and summer is over. I've never wanted a summer to end so much. Praying/hoping this Fall brings us a fresh start and healing to hurting hearts." This is my prayer. Please Lord, use this time to draw us closer to you and bring some healing to broken hearts.

 

Of course this summer wasn't all pain and sadness. We had some great times too. I just wanted to share some of our happier moments in pictures. :)

Ellie had her cousins Devyn and Reagan over for their first sleepover at our house. I woke to these 3 smiling, beautiful faces.

 

When they were getting dressed they all wanter to wear dresses and headbands to match. You've got to love little girls. ;)

 

And then there is my two babes. Elliana and Ethan. They are my biggest challenge and greatest joy. When I look at these photos, I see two kids that love eachother greatly and have fun playing together. Most of all, I see two kids that are growing up WAY too quickly.



Isn't it odd how sometimes we want time to stand still, and other times we welcome the changing of the seasons? I do know this, God holds all of it in his hands.

 

Mercies In Disguise

Denial. That's the stage of grief that first hit me and that I remained in for weeks after that awful day that Grandma Nancy went to the hospital. I clearly heard all of the horrible news but had trouble processing, and mostly, I did not want to believe. Since we did not know exactly how much time we had left with Grandma, I convinced myself that we would get the best case scenario. I convinced myself that we would get many, many months, possibly even another year with her.
I visited Grandma as much as possible in the following weeks, but I never had that sense of urgency. I didn't want to believe that any day, week, or month could be our last with her. I didn't say any of those hard, end of life things to her at those visits. Our conversations remained about every day life. This might be my greatest regret.

I remember the moment that reality hit me and I broke down. I was driving and Laura Story's song "Blessings" came on the radio. I don't know what it was about that song, but reality hit me and I broke down in sobs.


I felt God trying to tell me that this best case scenario I had built up in my head was not going to happen.

Mom and I had a conversation earlier this week about all of the hidden mercies, gifts and blessings that God had given us in the midst of this painful valley. As I look back now, there are so very many. I have to share about what a gift especially this past week was for me. I'll never forget it and while it tore my heart into pieces, God was ever present and bringing healing.

The first blessing was that we got more time with Grandma in the first place. Mom was right, they could have found her dead that day they took her to the hospital. After all, not many people survive a shower of strokes and a heart attack. In his mercy, God used that day to let us all know we needed to spend as much time as we could with her.

And then all of the other blessings for me came over this last week. The first was being at Mom and Dad's house with family last Thursday (August 2nd) when Grandma came home from the hospital. I had not originally planned on being there but I drove almost an hour from where I was because I had a strong feeling that I needed to be there.

Then this past Monday it all came crashing down. Grandma had slipped into a coma and we were told she only had days left to live. Caleb and I had been out of town and were over 2 hours away. I got to Mom and Dad's house as fast as I could. As soon as I got there I sat next to Grandma's bed and finally told her all of the things I had been holding back. The things I was hoping I wouldn't have to say. I told her how much I loved her, how much I would miss her. I told her that we would be okay and that we knew she would be okay. I told her to hug those I loved that were already up in heaven, like Grammie (her mother) and my babies that I lost. I told her how happy I was that she was about to get that new body she'd been asking for. Then I leaned over and whispered in her ear "Go sing in heaven for me." Those that know me know how much I love to sing and worship. The whole time I said these things to her the tears just kept rolling down my face.

The greatest blessings for me came during Grandma's last 3 days. It was a blessing and a gift to have Grandma surrounded by those she loves most. My Aunts, Uncles, sisters, brothers-in-law, cousins and their spouses and my children, nieces and nephews were there. We all took turns talking to Grandma, reading scripture to her, praying with/over her, listening to worship and singing over her. From Monday until she took her last breath early Thursday morning Grandma was never alone. We were all there caring for her and supporting each other.

I'll never forget those precious 3 days. The greatest gift for me was when Alli and I were sitting by her bed Monday telling her we loved her and watching as her body struggled to get the words "I love you too" out even though she was in a coma. Or watching her smile when she heard Josh Grobin playing in the background, or smiling whenever Mom or other family members told her they were with her and wouldn't leave her. Some of the best smiles I saw were when Ellie and I found Jenn and Reagan singing to her and we decided to join them. Like Jenn said, watching little hands touch Grandma's hand and caress her arms. It was such a gift to me to stay by Grandma's bed, singing to her Wednesday night, her last night alive.

Then, after she passed, the pain hit. It hit hard. I couldn't believe how quickly it came. How quickly I wanted Grandma back, how quickly that hole in my heart appeared. The tears and the sobbing came. Not just for me but for eveyone in that house that had put their lives on hold to be by Grandma's side over the past days and weeks. We cried and we held each other. We prayed together before Grandma's body was taken away. And again, amidst the pain, I felt love and mercy. We thanked God that Grandma did not have to suffer long. We thanked Him that she was reunited with her parents. We thanked him for her life and all that she had taught us and we asked him to reassure her that we were going to be okay.

It's been only 2 days. My thoughts are consumed with missing Grandma. I still can't believe she's gone. 5 weeks ago she was living on her own and driving. And now she's gone. I can't imagine life without Grandma Nancy. There's so much I will miss. I will miss hearing all of the nicknames she had for everyone, like calling Ethan "Cool Dude". I will miss seeing her on Saturday mornings at Bible study and learning from her. She always had words of wisdom to add.I will miss getting her cards in the mail, she was so good at sending cards for everything. I will miss seeing her at every birthday party, every holiday, and at church. I will miss going out for meals with her. Grandma loved to eat out. I will miss pickling with her. I will miss talking to her, her smile, her laughter. I just miss her.

Today I'm thankful that Grandma knows and loves Jesus. I'm thankful that she has a new body. I'm thankful for the beautiful gifts or "Mercies In Disguise" that God gave us over this past month as we walked this journey with Grandma. But most of all, I'm thankful that I will see Grandma again.

A Time To Grieve and A Time To Dance

I know this post is old news for anyone that follows my sisters on any type of social media. I just had to share my thoughts on all that has happened since the last time I post for my own sake.
July 6th was a tough day. It's my mom's birthday, and we were supposed to celebrate her birthday in some way. Instead, early in the morning I got a call from mom saying that she was headed to the hospital with her siblings because Grandma Nancy had fallen out of her bed overnight. Sure, I was a bit worried, but not at all prepared for the news that would unravel throughout the day.

Grandma had test after test run and each phone call got worse than the one before. First we were told that Grandma had suffered a stroke. Then, it was a series of strokes. Then, we were told that she had suffered a heart attack on top of the strokes. As if all of that wasn't enough to sort out, we got a call from my mom late in the afternoon saying that they had found cancer. After a few more tests the Dr's confirmed that Grandma's cancer was lung cancer and had already spread to her lymph nodes, her spine, and throughout the body. It's stage 4.

This terrible day happened exactly 1 week before my cousin Daniel's wedding. Our family spent all of last week spending as much time at the hospital as possible and trying to help our Aunt (Daniel's mom) with any wedding details.

As if all of this wasn't already hard, Caleb was gone on a trip with his volleyball team. Being a single parent last week kept me busy and distracted, which in a way was nice, but I also felt like I didn't really get to grieve and have a good cry until Caleb came home.

Last week was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. We were heartbroken and grief stricken over Grandma's news, but were also excited for Daniel and Olivia's wedding.

My sister Jenn posted this verse as her fb status right before the wedding;

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die...
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4

It was ironic that we were celebrating, crying, laughing, grieving and dancing all at the same time. The wedding was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and I hope to post more about it soon. At the same time, it was painfully obvious that Grandma was missing. :(

Now that the wedding is over we are back to every day life. We don't know how long we have with Grandma, but I hope to make as many beautiful memories and spend as much time with her as I can. We could use your prayers.

Grandma Nancy and me on my wedding day. July 2005

Ethan at 1 YEAR!

Ethan has officially been a year old for 2 weeks now. It's been a crazy two weeks and I'm just now able to sit down and blog about him at 12 months.

This past year went by way too quickly. Definitely faster than even Elliana's first year.

I'm both sad and happy that Ethan is a year old. I'm sad that he's no longer a little infant that I can snuggle with whenever I want. I'm sad that every day that passes now he longs and tries to be more independant. But these things make me happy too. I'm loving learning who Ethan is, and watching him as he discovers the world around him. I'm loving his BIG (still toothless) smile, his giggle, his determination to be active and I'm loving just watching him be a BOY!



Ethan, this is what you were like at 1 year/ 12 months:

~You were weighed twice this last week, and your weights were exactly 1 pound off. Tuesday we took you in for a cough that wouldn't go away, and we were told you weighed 18 pounds and 4 ounces. Friday we took you in (same Dr, just different location) and we were told you weighed 17 pounds and 4 ounces. I don't believe that you really lost a whole pound from Tuesday to Friday. I think the two scales from the two different offices were just off from each other. So, I'm going to say that you weigh somewhere in the middle. We'll say 17 pounds, 12 ounces. :) Either way, 1st percentile.

~You grew a lot in the last few months though. :) You measured at 28.5 Inches. You are now in the 10th percentile for height. :)

~You are wearing size 3 diapers

~You are wearing mostly size 12 months in clothing and some 9 months still

~Except for when you are sick, you have become a pretty good sleeper. Most nights you don't sleep through the night completely. If you are up, you are up just once for a quick bottle and then you go right back to sleep.

~You still take a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. Mommy loves this break. :)

~We are trying to wean you off of bottles and get you to take sippy cups. So far, it hasn't been easy. You are officially off of formula and are drinking cows milk.

~You are just an okay eater. It's easy for us to know when you don't like something because you'll spit it right out. You like to eat all fruits, yogurt, all kinds of cheese, french toast, macaroni and cheese, chicken, and sometimes hot dogs. We struggle getting you to eat your veggies, especially the green ones. You like potatoes and carrots best. You very much prefer to feed yourself now. If I try to feed you, you get upset and try to grab the spoon.



~You STILL do not have any teeth! However, you still drool quite a bit and often show signs of teething. I asked the Dr. about this and she was not worried at all. She said some babies don't get teeth until they're 18 months old. I hope yours come soon. Even though you don't have any teeth, you are able to mash up food really well with your gums.

~This past month you started clapping. It is your FAVORITE thing to do. All I have to say is "Good job Ethan!", "Yay!", or the word clap and you clap with a huge grin on your face. Sometimes you'll even grab our hands and make us clap with you.







~In just the past two weeks, you started waving goodbye. I love it!



~You are starting to talk some. You can say "Da-da", "Ell"(For Ellie), "Ah-duh" (all done), "Nana", "Bah" (ball or balloon) and I've only heard you say "Ma-ma" a few times. You never say it on command though. :)

~You are a very quick crawler and cruiser. You are so close to walking, but you just don't have the confidence to take that first step though. You practice walking all the time by either holding our hands or by pushing any item you can across the floor. I think you'll be walking by the end of the month.

~You and your sister continue to have a great relationship. I love the way you two get eachother grinning and laughing.



~You're beginning to interact and play more with other kids. Especially your sister and cousins. You love to watch them and mimic them. Everytime your sister starts dancing, you sway back and forth or bop up and down. Sometimes you even crawl in a circle when you see your sister spinning. It's so cute!!



~You are starting to object when we take something from you. You are learning to share. We have seen your first tantrums over the last few weeks. Thankfully, the tantrums don't last long. :)

~You continue to be laid back, easy going and happy.

~Favorite things: Throwing balls around the house and chasing them, balloons, "dancing", watching your sister, being outside, swinging at the park, cruising and walking with help.

~The nickname we use most often is "Buddy" or "Little Buddy". Sometimes we'll call you handsome, EJ, or little man.

~I know I'm biased, but I think you are so adorable and handsome. :)

Ethan, we love you more than words can say. You have been a wonderful addition to this family. We know that God has a plan for you and we are excited to see that plan unfold.