I've Been Here Before

I really debated whether or not I should put this on the blog. I know some people may shake their heads at me for sharing about this, but I've never understood why this subject is so "hush-hush". I reminded myself that I started this blog for me, for our family. It's like a journal to me in a way. So if you don't agree with me sharing about this, please understand that I'm putting this on here for me to process through writing (typing).

Let me start at the beginning. We've been trying for months, with the help of fertility drugs to get pregnant with baby #2. Last Saturday I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I took another one the next day, positive. Instantly I started dreaming about baby #2, what he/she would look like, how I couldn't wait to do the "pregnant thing" again, how I couldn't wait to have a newborn again, how we would adjust, what kind of sister Elliana would be, the changes we needed to make in our house, etc. The timing was perfect. This was the month that I REALLY wanted to get pregnant all along. I kept thinking, God is so good!

By Wednesday I had 3 positive pregnancy tests. Each one darker than the one before. It was official, I was pregnant! Elliana had her 18 month well child check and we see the same Dr., so I decided I would talk to the Dr. about the pregnancy during Ellie's appointment. Due to my history, the Dr. offered to do blood work to make sure everything was developing well. I quickly agreed because it was so reassuring to see how things were progressing with Elliana through blood work.

After doing a pregnancy test in the office, a nurse came in and said "well, the test came back positive but it was very weak". This was the same nurse that used those exact same words before I had a miscarriage years ago. They proceeded to draw my blood and said they would call sometime that afternoon. Instantly fear set in. I told myself I was just psyching myself out and I went home to wait for the results.

That afternoon I got a call from the nurse. "Well, your HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are very low, but we want you to come in on Friday to do blood work again". I got off the phone and sobbed. I suddenly realized that the pregnancy symptoms I had been experiencing days before, were no longer there. Then I called Caleb, my mom, and sisters. They all tried to be positive and reassure me. They reminded me it was still very early in the pregnancy and that my hormone levels were probably just reflecting that. Everyone told me not to worry until I got Friday's results.

I spent the next two days crying, praying and reading God's word. I kept praying that God would give me peace, no matter the outcome. I kept hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong, because my gut told me that I was losing this baby.

Finally, Friday morning came. I went in right away to get my blood drawn. When your pregnant, your HCG levels are supposed to double every 24-48 hours. All morning I anxiously awaited the results. Around lunch time the Dr. called. Bad news. Not only did my HCG levels not double, they plummeted. She confirmed what I already knew, I was having another miscarriage. Now I just had to wait for my body to do what it was supposed to, and that was just as hard as the news. Sure enough, yesterday I started bleeding.

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy or look for attention, again this is therapeutic for me. As hard as it was to go through this again, and as much as I do want another child, God did answer my prayers. He prepared me this time around and he definitely gave me a peace about it. I really sensed his presence and I know I'm going to be okay. I still believe he is good, and I still trust his plan for me and for our family. I think he was trying to get my attention so I would draw even closer to him again. It worked!

Caleb and I look at Elliana a little differently now. We hold her a little closer. We understand even more what a miracle she is. She is the BEST gift that God has ever given us. We still hope and pray that God will give us another child, in his timing. If not, we'll always remember God faithfulness and goodness to us by giving us Ellie. After all, we chose the name Elliana as a reminder of God's faithfulness.

Elliana- "The Lord has answered our prayers".

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2