Monday, June 28, 2010

I've Been Here Before



I really debated whether or not I should put this on the blog. I know some people may shake their heads at me for sharing about this, but I've never understood why this subject is so "hush-hush". I reminded myself that I started this blog for me, for our family. It's like a journal to me in a way. So if you don't agree with me sharing about this, please understand that I'm putting this on here for me to process through writing (typing).

Let me start at the beginning. We've been trying for months, with the help of fertility drugs to get pregnant with baby #2. Last Saturday I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I took another one the next day, positive. Instantly I started dreaming about baby #2, what he/she would look like, how I couldn't wait to do the "pregnant thing" again, how I couldn't wait to have a newborn again, how we would adjust, what kind of sister Elliana would be, the changes we needed to make in our house, etc. The timing was perfect. This was the month that I REALLY wanted to get pregnant all along. I kept thinking, God is so good!

By Wednesday I had 3 positive pregnancy tests. Each one darker than the one before. It was official, I was pregnant! Elliana had her 18 month well child check and we see the same Dr., so I decided I would talk to the Dr. about the pregnancy during Ellie's appointment. Due to my history, the Dr. offered to do blood work to make sure everything was developing well. I quickly agreed because it was so reassuring to see how things were progressing with Elliana through blood work.

After doing a pregnancy test in the office, a nurse came in and said "well, the test came back positive but it was very weak". This was the same nurse that used those exact same words before I had a miscarriage years ago. They proceeded to draw my blood and said they would call sometime that afternoon. Instantly fear set in. I told myself I was just psyching myself out and I went home to wait for the results.

That afternoon I got a call from the nurse. "Well, your HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are very low, but we want you to come in on Friday to do blood work again". I got off the phone and sobbed. I suddenly realized that the pregnancy symptoms I had been experiencing days before, were no longer there. Then I called Caleb, my mom, and sisters. They all tried to be positive and reassure me. They reminded me it was still very early in the pregnancy and that my hormone levels were probably just reflecting that. Everyone told me not to worry until I got Friday's results.

I spent the next two days crying, praying and reading God's word. I kept praying that God would give me peace, no matter the outcome. I kept hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong, because my gut told me that I was losing this baby.

Finally, Friday morning came. I went in right away to get my blood drawn. When your pregnant, your HCG levels are supposed to double every 24-48 hours. All morning I anxiously awaited the results. Around lunch time the Dr. called. Bad news. Not only did my HCG levels not double, they plummeted. She confirmed what I already knew, I was having another miscarriage. Now I just had to wait for my body to do what it was supposed to, and that was just as hard as the news. Sure enough, yesterday I started bleeding.

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy or look for attention, again this is therapeutic for me. As hard as it was to go through this again, and as much as I do want another child, God did answer my prayers. He prepared me this time around and he definitely gave me a peace about it. I really sensed his presence and I know I'm going to be okay. I still believe he is good, and I still trust his plan for me and for our family. I think he was trying to get my attention so I would draw even closer to him again. It worked!

Caleb and I look at Elliana a little differently now. We hold her a little closer. We understand even more what a miracle she is. She is the BEST gift that God has ever given us. We still hope and pray that God will give us another child, in his timing. If not, we'll always remember God faithfulness and goodness to us by giving us Ellie. After all, we chose the name Elliana as a reminder of God's faithfulness.

Elliana- "The Lord has answered our prayers".




"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

16 comments:

Courtney said...

Ok, you just made me cry. I'm so sorry you had to go through this again Christine. You have been in all of our prayers and I truly believe that you guys will be blessed with another child.
But you worded it so perfectly, "we'll always remember God faithfulness and goodness to us by giving us Ellie." What a gift she is.

Jenn with Munchkin Land Designs said...

Christine, you know how much I love you and how much I admire your willingness to share, even in the tough stuff. That takes a vulnerability beyond words. I'm sure your strength and faith in God will speak truth to someone else when they need it too.

Again, my heart aches for your loss. I'm so sorry that you're hurting, but there will be beauty from these ashes... yet again.

Jenna said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I've been through a miscarriage myself and I know how difficult it is, emotionally and physically. You are in my prayers.

Kelly's Avenue said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers!

Mindy said...

Chris,

Oh friend! My heart breaks for you. I love you and am praying for you. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling.

Mindy

Rebecca said...

My heart cry's with you. We love you guys and are praying for comfort and peace.

Tara Brown said...

Praying for you guys. God is good - may he encourage your heart, lighten your load and hold you near during this difficult time in life.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry Christine. Having had two miscarriages myself, I know how this hurts and my heart breaks for you. Rest in His arms and in the fact that He has good plans for you. Praying that a healthy little one is knitted together in you very soon!

Sarah said...

Praying that you feel peace that passes all understanding and comfort in knowing that he knows the plans he has for us!

Christina said...

I am sorry. You are in our hearts and prayers.

Dareth said...

Oh Christine. I am so proud of your willingness to share and be vulnerable. Your words will minister to others who need them. I am continuing to pray for you and your family. I love you.

Dana Marie said...

ohhh Chris. my heart just broke a little for you. I can't imagine the greatest fear being pregnant and having had one miscarriage already turning into reality. for what it's worth know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you and Caleb. I love you!

Anita Kaiser-Feia said...

Dear Christine,

What a hard time you must be going through! May God be with the three of you. I wish you strength to get by this and strength to care for Ellie during this time. That's what I found the most difficult after loosing our baby. Letting Jael know that it would all get better... God bless you all!
Love from Switzerland,
Anita

John and Lindsay said...

Christine- I am so terribly sorry! John and I are praying for you and Caleb. May you you rest in His arms and feel His peace. Love you guys,

Eklunds

Anonymous said...

Christine-
Your blog has brought ne to tears. Thank you for your heart and vulnerability, honey. Dad and I are praying for you and Caleb. I know that your hearts are hurting, and you must grieve this loss. I also know that God is walking beside you both through this loss. We can trust Him because of His character, even when we don't understand. I believe God will give you another miracle. Until then, trust Him. He loves you and we do too. We are so sorry honey.
Love, Mom

Jay said...

Good stuff. Thank you so so much for sharing your knowledge with the world through the Internet. Wonderful blog and post you got here
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I am a daughter of the King. Saved by grace. Follower of Christ. I love my God and I believe that he is faithful and true to his word! I'm still figuring out and trying to follow his plan for my life. I am a wife to my best friend Caleb, a mother to my miracle babies (they are my greatest joy and challenge), a sister and best friend to 3 passionate women, and a daughter to 2 amazing parents that continue to teach me what it is to be real and faithful to God and his word. I am lucky to get to be a stay at home Mom (thanks to God's provision). I love music, singing, coffee, cooking, baking, traveling, our beautiful state of Colorado, and mostly being with the family and friends that I love!

Husband, Caleb

Husband, Caleb
Caleb is an amazing husband and father. He is always so good to me. He is my best friend. He is the romantic one. We love to laugh and spend time together. We've been married for 7 years and I just love that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Our 1st Miracle

Our 1st Miracle
Elliana Faith... God blessed us with our first miracle little girl in December 2008. She is sweet, smart, spunky, funny, strong willed, precocious, extremely outgoing, vocal and so full of life! She brings us so much joy.

Our 2nd Miracle

Our 2nd Miracle
Ethan James,.. God blessed us with our little boy in March 2011. Ethan was a bit of a surprise and an even bigger miraclle. Ethan is ALL BOY! He is very active, into sports and running around. He is also sweet, introverted, affectionate, and laid back. These days he often has us laughing, he's starting to show a little bit of "clown" in him. He makes our hearts happy too. :)

Our 3rd Miracle

Our 3rd Miracle
Emsley Jeannette... Our surprise baby girl was born on June 11th, 2013 and came into the world 4 weeks early. Her first 2 weeks of life were spent in the NICU, but due to God's hands and the prayers of many people, she grew quickly and came home to join our family! She is an easy, sweet baby and we are enjoying getting to know her personality.

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Sisters
We fight one day and then the next day we're fine. We're always loud and crazy when we get together. We're very passionate. We've been through it all together, lots of ups and downs. We're eachother's biggest supporters.

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