Where Are You Christmas?

I've always loved Faith Hill... and Christmas.

But when I heard Faith's song "Where Are You Christmas?" for the first time (watching The Grinch) I thought to myself, what a depressing song during the Christmas season. It didn't make any sense to me why anyone would write a song like that and associate it with Christmas.

And then this year hit, and I have a whole new perspective on that song and mostly how the holidays can be so hard for some people. When I was reading the lyrics to the song I thought, this, THIS is how I'm feeling right now.

My family has been talking a lot about how we're all in this slump, or fog, or whatever seems to fit. Between losing Grandma, missing her terribly especially with this being our first holiday season without her, and now with Dad's recent cancer diagnosis, getting in the "Christmas spirit" is just taking some extra work this year. I'm having a hard time feeling that "magic in the air" feeling that I usually feel this time of year. 

 Even our 3 year old Elliana has randomly made comments like "Christmas is going to be really hard this year without GG."

Forgive me. The last thing I want to be is Debbie Downer or the Grinch. I have children and I'm determined to make this Christmas special for them. I know life has to go on and it will. This year I will find joy in the bright smiles of my kids, in their warm embraces, in the arms of my husband and the company of my many loved ones that are still here sharing life and their love with me.

I know as well as anyone what Christmas is all about, about celebrating Christ coming as a baby and coming to be God with us. So that is what's getting me through when I'm crying or down. God came to be with us then and he's with us today. He's with us and he knows how we're hurting and for me, that's how Christmas has a whole new meaning this year. In the midst of my pain, I will come and adore him because he came to die so that some day, we will be with him in glory and never have to feel pain again. Oh come oh come Emmanuel!

I leave you with the lyrics to "Where Are You Christmas?"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

A Season For Healing

I can feel Fall coming. The nights and mornings have been a bit cooler in recent days. Autumn/ Fall has always been my favorite season. I love fall for it's bright colors, delicious flavors (chai latte or pumpkin spice latte anyone?), warmer cute clothes, the coolness in the air, the feel of leaves crunching under your feet, apples, pumpkins, hay rides, corn mazes and of course Thanksgiving.

 

This year Fall means so much more to me though. It means the end of what was a very painful season for myself and many people that I love. I discussed my heavy heart on here about a month ago. At the time I had no idea things were going to get much, much worse for some of us.

I'll give you just a small picture of the pain that I'm talking about. Nearest to my heart is the loss of my beloved Grandma Nancy. Our family continues to feel the pain of missing her. Although each day has been a little easier than the one before, I have yet to go a day without crying (even a little) and almost every thought leads me back to her.

Then there's the pain of my friends and family. In our small couples group from church, we have a close friend that lost both of her parents in a tragic accident two weeks ago, and we have friends that are facing some serious illnesses with their children.

I have a sister and some dear friends that have been walking through the valley that is called infertility. Everybody's journey with infertility looks different, and while my journey was very short lived compared to many, I do know how painful it is. I know what it is to lay awake at night and wonder if you will ever get to become parents. To hold your own child in your arms. I have been praying for these loved ones for months and for some, years. I still trust that God is faithful, and that he does have a plan for each of these families, but sometimes it's so hard to understand what he's doing.

I posted this as my status on fb the other day: "And just like that the school year has begun and summer is over. I've never wanted a summer to end so much. Praying/hoping this Fall brings us a fresh start and healing to hurting hearts." This is my prayer. Please Lord, use this time to draw us closer to you and bring some healing to broken hearts.

 

Of course this summer wasn't all pain and sadness. We had some great times too. I just wanted to share some of our happier moments in pictures. :)

Ellie had her cousins Devyn and Reagan over for their first sleepover at our house. I woke to these 3 smiling, beautiful faces.

 

When they were getting dressed they all wanter to wear dresses and headbands to match. You've got to love little girls. ;)

 

And then there is my two babes. Elliana and Ethan. They are my biggest challenge and greatest joy. When I look at these photos, I see two kids that love eachother greatly and have fun playing together. Most of all, I see two kids that are growing up WAY too quickly.



Isn't it odd how sometimes we want time to stand still, and other times we welcome the changing of the seasons? I do know this, God holds all of it in his hands.

 

Mercies In Disguise

Denial. That's the stage of grief that first hit me and that I remained in for weeks after that awful day that Grandma Nancy went to the hospital. I clearly heard all of the horrible news but had trouble processing, and mostly, I did not want to believe. Since we did not know exactly how much time we had left with Grandma, I convinced myself that we would get the best case scenario. I convinced myself that we would get many, many months, possibly even another year with her.
I visited Grandma as much as possible in the following weeks, but I never had that sense of urgency. I didn't want to believe that any day, week, or month could be our last with her. I didn't say any of those hard, end of life things to her at those visits. Our conversations remained about every day life. This might be my greatest regret.

I remember the moment that reality hit me and I broke down. I was driving and Laura Story's song "Blessings" came on the radio. I don't know what it was about that song, but reality hit me and I broke down in sobs.


I felt God trying to tell me that this best case scenario I had built up in my head was not going to happen.

Mom and I had a conversation earlier this week about all of the hidden mercies, gifts and blessings that God had given us in the midst of this painful valley. As I look back now, there are so very many. I have to share about what a gift especially this past week was for me. I'll never forget it and while it tore my heart into pieces, God was ever present and bringing healing.

The first blessing was that we got more time with Grandma in the first place. Mom was right, they could have found her dead that day they took her to the hospital. After all, not many people survive a shower of strokes and a heart attack. In his mercy, God used that day to let us all know we needed to spend as much time as we could with her.

And then all of the other blessings for me came over this last week. The first was being at Mom and Dad's house with family last Thursday (August 2nd) when Grandma came home from the hospital. I had not originally planned on being there but I drove almost an hour from where I was because I had a strong feeling that I needed to be there.

Then this past Monday it all came crashing down. Grandma had slipped into a coma and we were told she only had days left to live. Caleb and I had been out of town and were over 2 hours away. I got to Mom and Dad's house as fast as I could. As soon as I got there I sat next to Grandma's bed and finally told her all of the things I had been holding back. The things I was hoping I wouldn't have to say. I told her how much I loved her, how much I would miss her. I told her that we would be okay and that we knew she would be okay. I told her to hug those I loved that were already up in heaven, like Grammie (her mother) and my babies that I lost. I told her how happy I was that she was about to get that new body she'd been asking for. Then I leaned over and whispered in her ear "Go sing in heaven for me." Those that know me know how much I love to sing and worship. The whole time I said these things to her the tears just kept rolling down my face.

The greatest blessings for me came during Grandma's last 3 days. It was a blessing and a gift to have Grandma surrounded by those she loves most. My Aunts, Uncles, sisters, brothers-in-law, cousins and their spouses and my children, nieces and nephews were there. We all took turns talking to Grandma, reading scripture to her, praying with/over her, listening to worship and singing over her. From Monday until she took her last breath early Thursday morning Grandma was never alone. We were all there caring for her and supporting each other.

I'll never forget those precious 3 days. The greatest gift for me was when Alli and I were sitting by her bed Monday telling her we loved her and watching as her body struggled to get the words "I love you too" out even though she was in a coma. Or watching her smile when she heard Josh Grobin playing in the background, or smiling whenever Mom or other family members told her they were with her and wouldn't leave her. Some of the best smiles I saw were when Ellie and I found Jenn and Reagan singing to her and we decided to join them. Like Jenn said, watching little hands touch Grandma's hand and caress her arms. It was such a gift to me to stay by Grandma's bed, singing to her Wednesday night, her last night alive.

Then, after she passed, the pain hit. It hit hard. I couldn't believe how quickly it came. How quickly I wanted Grandma back, how quickly that hole in my heart appeared. The tears and the sobbing came. Not just for me but for eveyone in that house that had put their lives on hold to be by Grandma's side over the past days and weeks. We cried and we held each other. We prayed together before Grandma's body was taken away. And again, amidst the pain, I felt love and mercy. We thanked God that Grandma did not have to suffer long. We thanked Him that she was reunited with her parents. We thanked him for her life and all that she had taught us and we asked him to reassure her that we were going to be okay.

It's been only 2 days. My thoughts are consumed with missing Grandma. I still can't believe she's gone. 5 weeks ago she was living on her own and driving. And now she's gone. I can't imagine life without Grandma Nancy. There's so much I will miss. I will miss hearing all of the nicknames she had for everyone, like calling Ethan "Cool Dude". I will miss seeing her on Saturday mornings at Bible study and learning from her. She always had words of wisdom to add.I will miss getting her cards in the mail, she was so good at sending cards for everything. I will miss seeing her at every birthday party, every holiday, and at church. I will miss going out for meals with her. Grandma loved to eat out. I will miss pickling with her. I will miss talking to her, her smile, her laughter. I just miss her.

Today I'm thankful that Grandma knows and loves Jesus. I'm thankful that she has a new body. I'm thankful for the beautiful gifts or "Mercies In Disguise" that God gave us over this past month as we walked this journey with Grandma. But most of all, I'm thankful that I will see Grandma again.

A Heavy Heart

My heart feels heavy. For so many reasons. My sister Jenn has a similar post explaining everything, but I wanted to share my thoughts on all that has happened this summer too.Colorado has endured a lot this summer. First there were the fires that seemed to keep popping up and showing no sign of slowing or stopping. Now today, we all woke up to sad and disturbing news that a sick man had open fired on innocent people sitting in a movie theater just watching a movie.

You never forget days like today. I remember where I was when I heard the news of the Columbine shootings when I was in high school. I remember where I was and how I heard about the news of the twin towers on 9-11.

The hard part today was having to try and find words for my very inquisitive 3 year old Ellie as she asked why I was glued to the TV and looking so worried. It was very hard for me when she said "Mommy, you said there are no REAL bad guys!" (she was referring to how I try to take away her fears after watching a movie with a "bad guy"). I hated trying to explain to her that yes, there is some real evil in this world. Of course I explained that God is bigger and that he watches out for and protects us, even in times like this. Still, I hate that I even had to have that conversation with her.
My heart breaks for all of those affected, and we'll be praying for the victims, their families, the emergency personnel and Dr's and nurses.

Then there's the matter of my personal loved ones. Nobody I know personally was affected by the shootings. I'm just referring to some real, hard issues going on with those I love right now. My grandma and her health is a huge heartache right now. My aunt and uncle that know they have very limited time (days or weeks at the most) with my uncle's mom. Close family and friends that have been praying, trying and praying and trying some more to start their families, to hold a baby of their own in their arms. A heartache I know all too well from when we walked our own infertility journey. I hurt for these women in my life. I know I can't say or do anything to make their pain go away. I can only pray for them.

Caleb introduced this song to me years ago. It reminds me of how God holds us even in the midst of asking him where he is. I hope this song brings comfort to anyone that may need it right now. To my loved ones, I hope I can be there for you in any way you may need me.


I keep going back to this bible verse that just happened to be the verse on my calendar at home for the month of July:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you... Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Thank you Lord for your peace. I don't know how I'd make it through this life without the hope we have in you.